


A gigantic question unresolved

by AkaneMikael



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M, next gen affairs, old gen unresolved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-11-19
Packaged: 2019-01-08 07:11:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12249495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneMikael/pseuds/AkaneMikael
Summary: Laver Cup. Rafa and Roger in the same team for a three-day tournament with Domi and Sascha, Nick on the other side. Among the various youth sub tales, explodes the gigantic unresolved issue between Rafa and Roger, who have a small problem to resolve before letting go after a lifetime they don’t dare to do so. They are both engaged and not with their female consorts, which are mere covers for the "famous" role they cover. But with Nole and Stan. How will they come out of those three days? And if behind all there was Roger's primary will to get rid of some time once and for all, what was Rafa's escape?[mostly fedal, mental presence of Nole and Stan, but not in fic. Edges with Kyrgios in particular, vaguely included also Thiem and Zverev]





	1. To the center of all

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Una gigantesca questione irrisolta](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12229683) by [AkaneMikael](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneMikael/pseuds/AkaneMikael). 



> first at all, I’m italian, this is my translation of my fic, but I’m not so good, I have done my best. If someone follows me, they know I'm a fan of rafole and fedrinka with appreciation for the fedal. But after this Laver Cup I decided to write a real fedal, there are 7 short chapters that develop in 3 days of Laver Cup. I hope the fans of the other 2 pairs don’t take it but today wins fedal, sorry! A PS: I know the team rooms were split, I think they were also changing rooms but I'm not sure. In fact, before thinking about it I had already done the lockers in common and so I left the thing. The fact is that usually in the tennis. players use the same dressing room and shower together, so I didn’t think maybe in team competitions they divide them. It doesn’t matter anyway. Other PS: I have my ideas on couples, reading will understand all. But I'm quite convinced that Nick adores Rafa and I couldn’t resist it. Alex and Domi, as well as Nick, are inserted but secondarily. Enjoy the reading. Kisses Akane

A GIGANTIC QUESTION UNRESOLVED  
  
  
1\. TO THE CENTER OF ALL

[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal16.png) [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal17.png) [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal21.png) [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal24.png) [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal25.png)

 

'I don’t want to look like I'm his boyfriend' - Rafa on Roger a week before the Laver Cup -

  
After the millionth time that his hand is on my shoulder or on my leg or on my arm, I close my face to his and whisper tight teeth:  
\- Have you become a suicide? - Roger laughs in a particularly strong way and gives me the answer.  
The rest of the day is just like this! He stuck to me, he who touches me for any excuse, he who speaks to me near my face, staring at my eyes or mouth, who seems to flirt with me.  
\- I wouldn’t say, but I'm not the only one that flirts ... - He says at another time, during the Domi game. I turn around and look at him with my typical raised eyebrow.  
\- Why? - I ask serious. He laughs and makes me see how we are put, so I see that we are in the same positions, hands in front of the mouth, elbows on knees and I growl, I stand behind and change position immediately widening the arms around the back.  
Roger leans to laugh and jokes me, and in doing so he leans back with my arm, looks like I'm holding him as my boyfriend.  
\- I know you don’t want to look like I'm your boyfriend, but you should pay more attention and look you better! -  
I snort and raise my eyes to the sky rising to my feet as soon as the game ends and Domi sits on his bench with Borg. I get up quickly and go to them, I stand in the back where I lay my elbows and talk to Domi because Borg has so much talent but not that of conversation.  
Do some advice to Domi and incite him, then give him a pouch on his shoulder and hand, he listens to me as if I were a guru.  
When I come back to sit down, Roger has one of his famous thin grin, which I know well.  
\- What's up? - I ask without understanding, a bit annoyed.  
\- Anything. - I snort and I raise my eyes to heaven, so he decides. - I looked Nick! - So I turn to Roger because I don’t understand. - He's jealous to death! - To this I cover the face unbelieving that he makes gossip in this way.  
\- You've seen too many telenovela ... - I growl to stop his fantasies. He laughs.  
\- No no, I know what I see, you are a bull who looks at nothing and nobody but the goal, but believe me. Nick is lost for you, everything he does in your neighborhood is to attract your attention and when, in cases like this one, for example, you give it to others, you killing him! - I close my eyes and I stand in the back, picking in myself, hiding my eyes and trying to keep me from sending him to fuck.  
\- Are you so bored? - He giggles in his infantile and childish way, but I really like him.  
\- A little yes ... I hope to play tomorrow too ... anyway you think if there was Nole in the team with us! It would have been fun! - And so I decide to get up and celebrate for a Domi move before he talk too much.  
He imitates me the same way, I would give him a punch on the teeth. Why do you imitate me?  
When I sit down again, I whisper:  
\- Looks that we're not alone ... - I'm talking to Sascha sitting next to me and Tomas on the other side. He laughs and raises his shoulders.  
\- They're taken from the masterpiece in the field. Mostly one. - When he says, I'm instinctively looking at Sascha, because even if I don’t want to, I understand every time Roger's crazy mind.  
Sascha looks enthusiastic and dreamy Domi, that the two are very good friends is not a secret, but I'm not a gossip man like Roger.  
\- Maybe with Nole you'd be amused because you're two nasty gossip! - I repeat with a touch of jealousy. He laughs and touches my back with a finger making me shiver.  
\- Don’t be jealous, you don’t have to be excluded. We are all a big family! -  
I reproached him while I didn’t leave my eyes from match.  
\- No, because you and Nole can’t really see you, and you know why. -  
\- But you and Stan are great friends! - Sighing patient.  
\- Sure, but it's hard not to get along with Stan, he's a teddy bear! - This goes out without checking it and he laughs out. Surely there will be more photos than I wanted.  
\- All right, stop laugh! You understand what I meant! -  
\- However, it is not true that Nole and I don’t endorse us, we just have a couple of contests too. - I stop and look at him only with a raised eyebrow, twin, without turning.  
\- A couple? - He nods.  
\- All right, ONE! -  
I shake my head and send him to hell as I look back at the game.  
At the end Domi wins and everyone exults, when he comes to me, I compliment with him in an enthusiastic hug embrace, he and Sascha do a typical greeting among special friends and Roger chuckles while I watch for pure case Nick who at this time stared at our bench with a strange expression.  
Well, in fact, he seems jealous of something, but I think Roger has not grabbed the real object of jealousy ... fuck, he infected me, I became a gossip like him!  
  
  
The next game is Sascha and Roger does his counselor, just as I did with Domi. We didn’t agree, but while he is there, I look at Nick and I see that he looks a bit both of us, I'm making a nod because our eyes cross, I do the wink like I usually do to greet someone I know and he smiles.  
\- Being here is like being in front to a reality show! - Says Tomas suddenly sat on the other side. I jump on the spot and I turn around to look at him.  
\- Why? - I ask without understanding, so hand in front of mouth approaches face to mine to say:  
\- Nick is jealous and it's unclear if about you and Domi, you and Roger, Roger and Sascha, or Sascha and Domi. - I put my hand on my face.  
\- No, not you! - And so he laugh and spoke to me still as if I had not said anything.  
\- And then Roger is doing with Sascha what you first did with Domi, as he jokes with you! - I open my eyes and fix him urgently.  
\- Looks, it’s not like you think! - But he laughs.  
\- And I imagine that poor Nole at home watching all this and eating his hands! - So I quit and close my face. Tomas is not happy yet. - Among other things, Sascha seems to have been caught in a thousand fires ... love for his god Roger who makes him a spiritual leader, love for Domi and the more carnal for Nick. -  
\- Oh man... - I grumble hearing the shit he shoots. And he continues to shoot. - But don’t forget Domi! How happy he was to receive advice and hands from you? He felt like heaven! Do you know how they looked you bad before, Nick and Sascha ... and Roger, eh? -  
\- But do you watch the games or do you have pop corn somewhere? - An ironic comment as it seems to be notice a lot of crap except tennis.  
\- Oh c’mon, we're here to have fun, I enjoy it! Everyone knows will win our team! - I sigh and I try to do the right thing.  
\- Who plays convinced of winning always gets bad surprises ... - he laughs and pushes me against Domi on the other side that turns to light. Okay, I start to notice the craps right now.  
\- It's a performance event, not a real tournament. They just wanted to see you and Roger play together, all right there! The rest is an excuse to make it happen! -  
I sigh and shake my head. I guess there's no way to go.  
When Roger comes back, he sits between me and Tomas and separates us, I get closer to Domi who makes room by putting a hand on my knees.  
Please don’t let Nole know, please.  
\- What were you talking about? - Roger asks immediately, while Sascha returns happy jumping to the field.  
\- You gave him ten years of extra joy! - I’m referring to the fact that Sascha is Roger-dependent and everyone knows it.  
He laughs.  
\- Well, that's not what you first spared with Domi? I'm sorry that you can't do anything for Nick, but I think he's doing better if he's in front of you and not by the side. - I close my eyes and shake my head trying to let go, so far he is in his silly version and Roger silly version is impossible to stop!  
\- I'm not the idol of Domi ... - I can’t say Nick because I noticed he also admire me a lot and plays much better when I'm in the neighborhood, not to say that every time he can come see my live games.  
Obviously I speak slowly because I have him close and this turns out to be one of our scenes that the world calls 'fedal'. They gave us a couple name and I think it's the most famous name of all the 'invented' couples in the world of popularity.  
Roger looks upset and shakes his head as if he speaks with a inept.  
\- Sometimes more than a bull you look like a goat! - And so I look fucking, I'm offended and I look at the game again without saying anything. Roger doesn’t miss much, seeing I don’t go back to talk.  
\- Don’t offend. - Anything. - Rafa you're too lazy, you know I'm joking and I love you. - Shit. Hand on shoulder to tighten. I shudder and look at him as if he was stupid and so he laughs and retires.  
\- Anyway, I saw Domi pull the ball first, as you do. - He reaffirms. I sigh and give up answering. So far he is convinced.  
The rest of the evening goes on, fortunately at a certain point I go to the field with Tomas for a double and ahead of us, according to the draws this morning, there are Nick and Jack.  
Roger's look is crystal-clear as he applauds me and urges me, I know he is thinking of 'bet Nick wins?'  
I ignore him, although it is difficult when he comes to certain ideas.  
During the match he, Domi and Sascha exclaimed, encouraged and gave advice, but in the end Nick as he imagined, played fine and won the double with 2 sets against 1.  
Eventually he shake our hands proudly and touch my back with a bigger contact, so I do the same. Not to make him happy, but simply to pander him.  
Anyway, it's a great talent, if he plays serious, he can be the first.  
  
After the series of matches on the first day, the 4 of us played double took a shower while the rest of the two teams gathered to decide on the line up of tomorrow.  
So even if Roger doesn’t fill my head with shit, I guess his voice just tells me his craps. However, Tomas's amused look doesn’t go away from remembering me that Nick is finally happy because he doesn’t have to contend me with others.  
Below the showers we do together, we laugh and joke because I'm normally shy with whom I know little but if I'm with people I know enough or people who can engage me, I let go and Nick and Jack are very fun.  
We laughs and jokes one in front of each other in shower, at a time when I turn to the soap, Tomas nods toward Nick. I turn a blindfold trying not to let me notice and I see that Nick actually looks my ass insistently as Jack push him allusively and fun and Nick rejects him distracting. I stiffen red in my face and Tomas gives me a grip on my back making me scream.  
\- However, without anything to take away from others, I think our was the best match of the day. - Tomas says. Jack replies fast and allusive:  
\- Well, Nick had a special motivation! - Nick takes the shower handle and turns it over to his face, he gets away and ends behind me pushing to him, the thing is too sudden and I can’t move or counterbalance, so I go straight to Nick that if he wouldn’t take me in time, I would fall down with a broken arm!  
I would like to kick Jack because he was about to kill me, I'm just killing the nerve, but Nick first sets me up after grabbing me well for the body, then puts me in and pulls a kick at Jack scolding.  
\- You could break his arm! - Jack does the giggle again and stays in what was my washing place, near Tomas who laughs.  
\- Okay, he joked... it doesn’t matter ... - I say calming Nick that he's altered, I put a hand on his arm and carried him back to his place, while I settle in what was Jack's position, near Nick precisely.  
I see strange looks and I raise my eyes to the sky, turning away to not look at the idiots.  
The idiots who suddenly rush to rinsing and go out immediately while I'm still soaking up and Nick pulls his obviously for long.  
They will be 3 ‘beautiful’ long days!  
\- Jack sometimes gets drunk without drinking. - Nick says as if he apologized for his place, surprised I look at him and smile.  
\- It does nothing, he's an exuberant person. - Even if I was really hurting I would killed Jack with my hands.  
\- It's that we're all excited, it's a beautiful event, we have a lot of fun. - I still smile while I have the first regular conversation with Nick who turns out to be a normal person, if he wants to.  
\- It's a great opportunity to learn team spirit, an important thing for those who play Davis Cup. -  
\- And you have a lot of experience ...- he says while I’m laughing embarrassed.  
\- Well, I got my satisfaction! - I admit.  
\- Satisfaction? Four Davis are not ‘some’ ... - Okay, now he’s just flirting. Please. It's embarrassing.  
\- If you follow Lleyton you can learn a lot from him. - He nods as if he is drinking all the information I am giving him. He first looked at me when I was giving advice to Domi and both Tomas and Roger said he was envious, though I guess it was something more innocent than mischievous as they put it.  
I would also like the advice of my idol if he gave them only to rivals.  
I feel an idiot to feel an idol, but I am, I know I am.  
If my advice for Nick can do something good, it's better to give them. He's a huge talent, I never told him personally, but maybe if those two idiots are right, I could stimulate him a bit.  
\- I also learn from the matches against you! - he escapes it because he's an impulsive done and done, it sees that he doesn’t want to say it and he just shouts at once, he looks at me with distressed eyes and I smile shrugging.  
\- You have to learn from every game, you can pull out a lesson from everyone. You have a huge talent, if you are serious in a couple of years you can pass first without any trouble, but you have want to, you have to face each game as if it were your life, with the same seriousness you play against me. - We put us under the shower and we rinse calmly as he absorbs my words and hangs from my lips, and it makes me feel euphoric because it’s normal when one wild becomes a kitten just because he’s with you. They are beautiful sensations.  
\- With you is different because I want to impress you. I don't care to impress others. - And suddenly it seems to throw down every mask.  
Now? Just now? Fuck, Rafa! Get off before the thing gets out of hand.  
But before he finishes thinking about it, he comes close to me and cleanses an eye with a hand.  
\- You were ending the foam inside. - He just says. He doesn’t go away right now, his hand slips over my ear and takes me between two fingers as if it were a normal friendly gesture between us, it’s not at all.  
He’s following an indomitable impulse and I am petrified, I don’t want to offend or make him bad, especially if it means to mortify or turn off a talent. But it's not that for the sake of tennis I can prostitute myself. Species because Nole kills me.  
It doesn’t justify this second gesture, I remain still and rigid and I don’t breathe for a second, completely surprised, then smile embarrassed and circumstance by closing the tap.  
An embarrassing and heavy silence was created, what the hell was he talking about? Ah yes, tennis!  
I'm going to resume the thread of speech when Nick thinks he's still approaching me, he touches me with his body and we're both naked, a puff, a moment, and lying on my lips, as if I, my silence, my immobility have paved the way.  
Quick I put a hand on his chest and I reject him, but without being violent. That's enough.  
He understands, raises his hands and leaves me in a sign of surrender and apology, closes his eyes and returns to his shower closing without saying anything.  
Let's not say a half word. I don’t know what to say and how to handle it. I don’t want to tell him I'm with Nole, I don’t want to tell him anything.  
But maybe I should try to calm him because maybe this will distract him from tennis and ... and I don’t know how to do these things! They never happened!  
But what the fuck did I do?


	2. Typical messes for Rafa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We left Rafa and Nick in lockers together after Nick tried with Rafa under the showers. A bit of messes for Rafa, who somehow managed to get always in trouble, by good Spanish. Now the question between Rafa and Roger is getting bigger and more and more unresolved. And it arrives the first night.

2\. TYPICAL MESSES FOR RAFA  
  
[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal45.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal12.png)  
  
  
Thousands thoughts follow each other as we go out of the showers, when we go out into the dressing room with the towel wrapped in waist and dripping bodies, we find ourselves disgustingly alone and think all the bad of those two idiots.  
I sigh and shake my head the same way as Nick, so we notice and we laugh to break the heavy embarrassment.  
We don’t talk anymore, we pretend nothing.  
\- However, you have to find motivations for playing tennis. You have to see what, without motivation it’s difficult. You have a great talent, but it’s dirty by the lack of motivation. -  
He catches the ball in the leap and comes back to talk about this, now without masking shows his preference for me.  
\- With you I play well because I like you and I want to impress you, but in general I don’t play tennis because I like it, but because I'm capable of it. -  
I bend my head and squeeze my lips as I take off the towel and wipe me, he does the same and I am distracted from his tall body, tapered and muscled at the right point with a tattoo on his arm, a written, mulatto skin because he has a father Greek and mother of Malaysia. How he’s over in Australia is curious.  
\- I knew your idol was Roger. - He's giggling.  
\- He is my idol, you are who I like. As a person, as a tennis player and as a boy. - SBAM! This is the imaginary noise of his statement against my face that stuns me. I knew it, but to hear it, that's just another thing.  
Okay, it's a nice guy, because I am gay and I like a nice body or a nice guy, as well as straight men appreciate women even though they are busy. That doesn’t change anything.  
But I'm happy with Nole and I have Roger that makes my life impossible because even though he is with Stan, he also has me in mind. Complicated situations. Every now and then our mutual affection comes out. That forbidden desire never realized that we both know if it would happen, would be a disaster.  
We both love our boyfriends deeply, but I think there are more twin souls for each one of us in our lives or in the world. When we meet two at the same time it's a mess, one of them overwhelmingly, but the other one is there, and if we keep attending it still creates messes and confuses us. This is my situation with Roger.  
We both have other twin souls, but we are also ourselves. So far we've managed everything, we've made our choices based on a variety of factors, we're happy with who we have close.  
But there will always be that little regret one to the other and what we feel, this secret attraction, this undeniable feeling, will always be anyway. Point.  
Like a forbidden dream, the forbidden dream we all have.  
I stay naked with the boxer briefs in my hand that I forget to wear, he’s just as naked that enjoys the moment when he shocked me and right on this the door opens and looks at who makes his triumphal entry?  
\- Rafa, have you slept? I look for you ... - He stops, he clings, looks at him, and his evil mouth resumes: - Did I interrupt something? -  
And so I walk in a thousand super-embarrassed colors and I shoot the first thing I have: my boxer briefs. They barks in his face and he laughs loosening the tension, Nick answers for me starting to dress up.  
\- We were declaring eternal love, you have been unpopular, but you can do everything, so we forgive you! - And by now Nick is launched, he found out that saying things like they are, is very funny if you can upset others and if you do that laughing the others will think you joke and so what's wrong?  
I snore and I take off my underwear from Roger as he laughs and whistles together.  
\- Oh, I guess someone needs to be aware of something here ... - I bleed and after I took my boxer briefs, I pushed him out badly.   
\- Go get a ride. - Then I take him back before he cross the threshold, by the collar. - But wait! - And so I search in his pockets taking the phones. Then I push him out and close the door.  
\- So don’t damage! - His laughter accompanies me while insulting, when I turn I see a shocked Nick dressed in half, I still naked with my boxer and his phones in hand.  
\- He’s just stupid, letting go.- My first thought is that Nick could have understood that he was talking about Nole, I don't know how he might have understood it, but you know.  
Then he shakes his head and decides to speak. What the fuck!  
\- But then the fedal is true ?! I didn’t think he was! For that first ... okay, sorry, if I had knew I would never have tried, but you know ... it was a great opportunity and ... no, it's impossible to win Roger. He is God! - And so I cover my face, with my boxer.  
That's it, I got worse!  
\- It's not like you're thinking. - But he seems to be convinced, so as I dress up in a super-colorful red and super embarrassed, I hear the ringtone for Nole that is specific to him because Enrique wrote it to us thinking about our complicated situation. Bailando makes his entry and I'm in trouble if I don’t answer because he knows I should be in the room now and definitely want to make sure I don’t sleep with Roger. We haven't thought about the rooms yet, but now it comes to my mind that maybe he didn’t go to the room because he wants to stay with me. Oh no, huh?  
\- Yes yes I'm sorry! - I answer after a couple of rings. I'm careful to not say his name and I hope that in this grave silence he doesn’t hear his voi ... I can’t finish my thoughts and hear what Nole says, that I see Nick with his eyes wide open and under shock because yes he has heard clearly Nole's voice.  
Oh, fuck!  
\- BUT YOU LISTEN TO ME OR ROGER IS YET ON YOU? NOW I KILL HIM! I KNEW I SHOULD CAME THERE! - And the idiot screams!  
\- Stop it, I'm still in the locker room ... -  
\- STILL?! BUT RAFA, I KNOW THAT YOU FINISHED! WITH WHOM DO YOU DO? - And why the fuck has to scream!?  
\- If you don’t stop screaming I swear I'm going to Roger's room with purpose! - At this point for what I should hide it? As I speak embarrassed and angry and in trouble, I look at Nick, who has just dressed and sat on the bench with the air of who at a show. Disconcerted, interested, amazed.  
I try to put my pants with one hand, at this point I take the phone with my shoulder and end the operation more comfortable.  
\- If you do, it's the last thing you've done. -  
\- I might not have a choice because I think they all went, I'm late and he's out there waiting. -  
\- But you told him you would not be in the room with him because I don’t want to? -  
\- Yes, I told him, but I think he takes decisions with his head! - what's normal.  
\- Now I call him! -  
\- He doesn’t answer. - And now I curse me.  
\- How can’t he answer? What do you know? -  
Fuck Rafa.  
\- I taken the phones. - Silence.  
\- What? - That tone that promises nothing good.  
\- Yes ... because he wanted to call you ... - The problem is that Nole knows when I lie, so I have to be honest, but a mess is going to happen. I sit because I can’t finish dressing, but in the meantime I put on socks and shoes. Nick still fixes me interested, he hear everything. But right all.  
\- Why? - He asks again with the tone that now I kill everyone.  
\- Because he's stupid. -  
\- Yes I agree, but it doesn’t answer the question. - With Nole you joke always, except when he’s jealous. When he’s jealous you don’t joke otherwise it’s over.  
\- Nick and I started talking and we did late, Roger came in to see what we did and he still saw us naked and you know he has an American teen's head. To tease me, he said he wanted to call you, I took the phones and I threw him out. That's all. - Silence.  
Oh let's go Nole, don’t be silent. Nick tends to hear as me, I'm worried.  
\- Nole? - At this point what I hide it for?  
\- With Nick? - That’s enough, Nick looks at me without realizing what is the problem if I was here with him talking naked.  
But come on, don’t you know? Everyone have realized that you want me!  
\- Yes, we were just talking, he came right when ... -  
\- Yes yes ok. In five minutes I call Roger, if he doesn’t answer you knows what will happen. - And with this rigid, frustrating and traumatic sentence, he puts it down.  
Ok I'm done.  
\- Fuck. - I swear. As soon as I close I finish dressing, then the only thing I can think of is to get Roger quickly to return the phones, I must also instruct him and tell him he doesn’t put me in trouble anymore.  
But what the fuck, but why all to me?  
I'm going to run with my bag when I stop and I see Nick still upset, so I stop, scratch my neck and sigh with a grimace of difficulty.  
\- Do we talk tomorrow? - He raises his shoulders, makes a funny expression and nods, but I think he's still in shock.  
I hope in the meantime the whole world doesn’t know it.  
But him? But should he know? But why?  
I don’t know Nick so well to know how reliable it is, I know there are those I trust, Andy is trustworthy. Who knows who he is?  
With this fixed thought I run to the corridors desperately trying Roger, find him in the waiting room and relaxation of our team with sofas, armchairs, chairs, tables and the necessary to drink, eat something and spend time.  
He’s alone, sitting in the couch and has his eyes closed because he is bored, he has not even played today. I open the door, I breathe loud and I shoot the phones that fly on the air of ‘you're crazy?’  
Then I get close to him and the furious stitch with my fingers.  
\- Answer and when he says you will not sleep with me you tell him ... -  
\- Of course I sleep with you! They have already settled all by now! What do I do, I throw them off the bed because we are Rafa and Roger, we are friends but Rafa has a jealous boyfriend? -  
I close my eyes and cover my face in anticipation of one of those very long litigation. I cling to his feet and he caresses my wrinkled and wet head that I haven’t even combed.  
\- C’mon, I get it all right. -  
\- It's all bad yet! He called me before, I ended up telling him about me and Nick nudes, about you who want to sleep with me, about that I have your phones ... worse than that ... he just miss Nick has officially tried with me and declared to me and now he knows that I am with Nole and that Nole is jealous of you! If he comes to know this, he leaves me! - I'm melodramatic and exaggerated like any spanish, Roger turns on interest and says 'really ?!' On the phone that plays.  
Five minutes split.  
Roger sly air responds, and I cling to my knees and look at him like a imploring dog clinging to his feet. He stays there and looks amused as he answers.  
\- Hi Nole. Yes Rafa told me. You don’t have to worry, you know I'm also happily busy. We would never do anything against our loves. - He seems to get him jokes.  
\- Just he doesn’t sleep with you. -  
\- No, he will not sleep with me. If sleep with me you mean having sex with me. If you mean we're going to be in the same room ... this is unfortunately late. They all took it for granted that he and I were in the same room and they are already sleeping. Rafa was a snail ... Nick's fault ... - He is telling him that he has tried with me but instinctive and reflecting I pinching his nipple through the blue sweater equal to mine, the uniform of the European team.  
\- How Nick? What does he have to do now? -  
He tends and looks sore with his mouth wide open, I threaten him with my grim look and he mask the broken voice well.  
\- Nothing, you know Rafa is kind, Nick was slow and he was waiting for him. - I leave the nipple and he sighs.  
\- Why were they naked when you came? Indeed, where are the others who have doubled with them? - He shrugs because he has no idea. He looks at me to know the answer and I shake my shoulders like him because I don't know.  
\- Who knows... -  
\- But where's Rafa? - I start shaking my head saying I should not be here, but Roger answers on his own.  
\- Where do you want he to be? If we are roommates and I was expecting him and he had to run for the phones before you left him, he's here in front of me! - Nole's laughter breaks off the tension was killing me, so I instinctively lay my head on the legs of the idiot that laughs and caress me as if I were his dog.  
Perhaps this is not the best location, nor the best place. But he and me have a very different relationship from what the common rivals-friends have. We are twin souls with other twin souls as boyfriends. It's different.  
It's as if we were lovers with the head and the soul, but not with the body.  
\- Is he terrified? - Asks Nole amused.  
\- He's doing it under! - Roger replied, and he also enjoyed.  
\- Laugh, laugh at my expense! I'm innocent and you make me crazy! - I grumble leaving Roger's legs, Nole laughs again with Roger's loud voice.  
\- You're in live. - he says at this point.  
\- Good. Rafa, you know I can tell when you hide something or when you lie. - I swallow. Yes I know. - Well, I don’t have to add anything else. - And with that I take the phone from Roger's hand.  
\- I love you too, stupid! Good night! - After that I close the conversation on him laughing.  
Then I sat on the floor next to Roger who looks amused and shaking my head.  
\- You know, Stan before I came said to me: 'If you want to take off a whim with Rafa once and for all, now is the time. If you do it you tell me and I take it off with Nole and we're all four pairs! '- I look at him incredulously upset that he said such a thing. Roger does seriously and raises his hand as a sign of oath. - It's true! - I cover my face with one hand.  
\- They all out with this story! It's just a tournament where we play in the same team! We didn’t even double together! -  
\- Tomorrow we do it, we decided to put us tomorrow. - I nod with anxious, flickering air.  
\- Yes, but it's a double, an exhibition tournament to entertain everyone. Let's go, what's the need to be so anxious and apprehensive? How many times have we had a thousand opportunities to jump on us? How many matches do you play against me and then bare in the shower? Why are they all crazy now? -  
This I don’t understand, and Roger raises his shoulders with his usual calm and simplicity.  
\- Well, you see ... it's the world that puts us together, it isn’t? You know, the Fedal question and everything ... is an event set up just to see us together and now they all have this fixed and whether or not our boys are influenced by others. It's a bit of their fear forever, they know we have this 'gigantic question unresolved.' And now that everyone is convinced, they are scared of it. Stan immediately goes to the solution, convinced we will do it, because these things will happen sooner or later. Nole is terrified, this relationship is absolutely his weakest point ... -  
\- Well it must be silent because I at least don’t play to make the family into the legs of my wife. -  
\- Sure, because you aren’t married. -  
\- No, because Xisca knows everything and does my girlfriend, but she is my best friend! I needed this role, just like you did. Just that you can pretend better and you have married and have children, just like Nole, idem. I can't, I refuse to pretend in my private life forever and make children for the sake of being a father. I don't want to be a father, why? - Roger laughs at my typical outbursts, it's something that has always irritated me, but everyone does things as if they feels and wants to do it. He gets up and tends a hand to help me get up, I pick it up and lift me up. Then instead of releasing, he holds me and kisses my fingers with the wink.  
\- However Stan's idea is not bad, maybe it would be good for Nole, too. I say, in order to be able to make peace and come back with you, he could 'use' Stan to pay for it, but then it would go all as before. -  
I raise my eyes to the sky, exasperated, taking my hand back, I'm wearing my shoulder bag, he does the same and follows me out to go to the bedroom, which is not here at the palace where we played today.  
The car waits for us to take we to the hotel that hosts us all.  
\- I repeat. You're all crazy! I'm fine as I am, why the world have to try with me and put me into messes? I love Nole, I don’t want anything else. Stop. I already have to share him with that stuff he has for a wife! -  
I hate Jelena, I can’t stand and everyone knows it, Roger laughs and his laughter relaxes me. I don't think it's one of those things that Nole likes, the fact that I tell Roger all about us and that his laughter has a calming power over me. But it is also true that he and I have a special relationship and this ‘gigantic question unresolved'. We will never solve it.  
I don’t want to.  
In part I'm afraid that if I give up then I can’t stop and go back to my steps to pretend nothing, in part I'm really convinced of what I feel for Nole. I really love him and it's not about love Nole more than Roger, I don't even know why I didn’t give up with Roger as I did with Nole. Is that I don't do with one the things I do with the other and I can’t compare to this point.  
But that is it, I can’t, I don't want to hurt Nole. And it doesn’t matter if I really feel the same identical things for one and the other and simply Nole was quicker than Roger to get me. But now the things are like this. Point.  
I'm with Nole, I love Nole, I'm happy with him.  
The rest is not interested in clarifying it or experimenting with it.  
No one prevents me, there is no real prohibition. If it were I would do it by punch, they can’t stop me.  
It is that Nole's fear is enough to restrain me, the image of the suffering that I would give to him removes all my wishes.  
As I think this, comes to the hotel and once in the room, Roger breaks the perfect silence that was created, a strange silence from him.  
Then he lowers his sweatshirt zip and fixes me with one of those strange, different, subtle looks. Those glances that destruct you and they've always made me crazy.  
\- You know, it's also the first time we sleep together. Maybe they are afraid of this, Nole and Stan. - I'm pissed off and I realize it just now, just now that I'm really in the room with him. And then I know.  
The bed is double and my heart just missed a beat.  
Fuck. I think I will not come out alive this time.  
More than that, if this time I stop thinking as usual, I'm done. I'm definitely finished.  
Think about Nole, Rafa. Think about Nole. He’s not banning you, he just has the terror that happens and he knows that nobody can stop me. Anything. Never.  
And that's what he's afraid of. That I just want it.  
It’s a shame that it’s a fear more than grounded, because while Roger undresses himself in front of me, looking at me with his subtle look, while he's so serious suddenly, I'm excited and I have a damned desire.  
No Rafa, it's not that you want to hurt Nole. It's just that this ‘gigantic question unresolved' between me and Roger has the size of a big beng.  
Fuck.


	3. Big Beng

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafa and Roger in the bedroom in their first night together. Will they be able to do the right thing or will the instinct take over?

3\. BIG BENG  
  
  
  
  
Roger is not stripping himself to seduce me, but his eyes make believe me.  
I stand still for a while before he tells me with a particularly low tone:  
\- What are you going to do? - And here's my head with a single sense, which is not what it should probably think right away.  
I should have said 'now I change myself', instead I say:  
\- It depends on what you want to do! - And it's when I see his eyebrow rise, less than it usually my gets up, which I understand he meant in another sense. The more 'normal'.  
I swallow and blush as I shake my head and raise my hands.  
\- No, forgive it ... - With this I take refuge in the bathroom without taking anything to change me.  
Of course I come from a bath and put me in another.  
What are you, a kid, Rafa?  
You are a man, you are more than thirty, behaving like that.  
Now go there, put on your pajamas and go to sleep.  
Stop running away. Run away will not help you.  
Okay, it's just that as long as I saw him in the shower in the locker room it was a thing, now you know, the idea of sleeping together in the same bed is heavy and ... I don’t know ... I'm afraid!  
But of what? If I don’t want, nothing will happen.  
That's right. I'm afraid of wanting it.  
But Nole? How can I want Roger while I'm ok with Nole?  
Sigh, I close my eyes and come out. When I come back, Roger is under the blankets and the big light is off, only that of the bedside lamp is lit that creates a certain atmosphere.  
He has one of his two phones, his back raised on the head of the bed, a dark blue pajamas, quite normal.  
I've never seen him in pajamas. I saw him naked, but never in pajamas.  
It's so strange.  
He looks up briefly and returns to the phone leaving me the time and space to do what I want.  
\- Goes better? - He asks persuasive. His calm suddenly irritates me and my heat comes to me that ends up burning it all. I take off the shirt and even the pants, now I’m in boxer, those of before.  
\- How the hell are you doing so calmly? -  
Roger sees me excited and gaze me astonished, I puff up.  
\- What should I do? If I act, nothing changes ... -  
I raise my eyes to heaven, a typical answer. I throw in my suitcase looking for pajamas and fuck, I thought of everything except the pajamas.  
\- But are not you nervous? Don’t you feel anything? I don’t understand, it seems like you don’t care about a fuck! - So I'm starting to pull everything out in the hope of finding something to put, but I usually sleep in a boxer so I didn’t think about pajamas. I'm an idiot!  
How I would like Nole to be here!  
\- Rafa ... - I keep throwing everything in the air like a fool, I'm not holding it. - Rafa ... - Roger calls me again and since I don’t stop, he comes over me from my side, he takes my hand and stops me suddenly.  
I calm myself magically, I look him crouched, he’s all stretched from his to my side, leans on an elbow, the other hand holds mine. Our eyes in this darkness are met and his are so enviably calm. All the opposite of mine. How the hell he does?  
\- All right, we don’t have to do anything. -  
\- I don’t understand what the hell is that different than it makes me crazy! Why are we all so strange? - I’m going to ask exasperated, the tone of who is going to cry instead of getting angry.  
\- Because it's different. -  
\- But what ?! - I’m almost begging to kneel down to the bedside. And he who doesn’t leave my hand, leave my damn hand.  
\- Because we have this long-choked desire and now it's here and it's the protagonist and everyone is expecting us tonight to do something. We to first. -  
I close my eyes and shake my head trying to make order, but it’s a desperate attempt.  
\- I don’t understand why this nervous. If we don’t want it, it doesn't happen. -  
\- Because we really want it like crazy, but the thoughts of our boyfriends restrain us. It 's that to restrain us, not the fact that we don’t want it. It's different, you know? - The sweetness with which he tells me pushes me to open my eyes and look at him, sigh tired leaving my muscles, my hands are clenched fist, his fingers slip between mine and this burns, burns me crazy because it dissolves me and terrifies me.  
The shivers cover me as I understand he's right.  
Maybe I should have given it to me at least once before being with Nole. But maybe if I was granted it, I would never have been with him, did not I?  
Suddenly a chaos invades me, while one of Nole's favorite speeches blinks in my mind.  
'I don’t want you to be with me because you have to. I want you to be with me because you want. If you want to go with Roger, I don’t want you to be with me. 'It's very simple indeed.  
But something makes it complicated.  
My eyes burn and I can’t see better, he puts a hand on my cheek and caresses me.  
\- We will not do anything, we don't have to. -  
\- But we want it. - I admit to myself more than to him and my voice is low and broken. I feel so guilty about Nole. I don’t want to hurt him, but a part of me, a very strong part, wants to go to bed with Roger.  
\- Yes, we want it. - His face is getting closer to mine, I look at his mouth as tears stop pressing and I relax more and more, as if he comes closer, I let it go and accept it.  
\- How do you live with Stan? - I ask confused, frowning while my eyes remain gazed on his mouth and his hand on my cheek, the other still interwoven with mine. I stand at the edge of the bed where he is. The foreheads are now joined.  
\- I can’t fool anyone that I love pretending not to want another man. If I want you, I want you. It's the mere truth. Not going with you is an effort, not a will. It's a tease, because when you want it, betrayal has already happened. - I'm still worse and I raise my eyes to figure out what he’s going to do with this, he slides with thumb on my mouth, caresses me and slips sensually inside, looks for my tongue and I feverish, drunk, lick him. The contact is terrifying. The excitement is instantaneous, the heat is an endless wave.  
\- I’ve already betrayed him with my soul and every instinct, Stan knows. Just hoping to do it seriously with the body, can bring me back to him. I think he’s hoping for a kind of shock therapy before he give up with me. - I shake my eyes imperceptibly and he reads me. - No, it's not going so well between us. Mostly when he sees me with you. And this year has seen me a lot. -  
I don’t think Nole believes in the shock therapy and start over turning the page. But surely he is not stupid and can’t continue this way. This year more Roger and I were fine and together, the more he was in crisis.  
I take his hand out of my mouth, hands intertwine like the others and remain high on my cheek.  
\- So you decided to do it once and for all and go after it? That if we have to close with them, this time we’ll close, or if will just be a bracket that will allow us to take away all this madness from the head then will it even better? -  
It shrugs with sweet, simple air.  
\- It doesn’t make sense? - I shrug my shoulder for a moment.  
\- I don’t know, but I can understand it. -  
He makes a smile that is a mixture between sweet and seductive, eventually he asks me.  
\- What do you want to do, Rafa? - And at this point I think if I do nothing I will find every second of my life to fight with myself and my feelings.  
Maybe it's time to do something for once.  
If not, take this obsession away.  
I close my eyes, I leave his hands, I take his face and join our lips.  
Contact is devastating.  
A violent electric shock crosses me and in a moment it's as if I were to change, as if it came out the beast I've been holding desperately for years.  
That savage side frees up and in an instant everything changes.  
We open our mouths, unite them, rotate our heads, reward one another and the toungs finally find themselves. Our flavors mingle, swirl one another, we caress, fight, and then instinct takes over. I get up from the ground, always holding him in my hands, I go on the bed, I'm going to put on him, but I take off the boxers, the only thing I wear. We stop kissing, he looks at me excited and impatient, I pull out the blankets that still cover him, then I ride over him, I take his hands and raise them to the sides, I intertwine my fingers then with force and passion slide on the forearms, chest, I take the shirt, and as I grab his lip with my teeth, I pull up and put the pajamas up under his chin.  
Let's go to the fire, but at least it will be unforgettable.  
It's as if I can’t stop, everything is deleted, free that part that has wanted him like crazy forever.   
I come down to his chest and I brand him, I do it by sucking, licking and biting. I stand on the nipples and Roger groans trying to hold back.  
My hands still go down with my mouth, I get down his pants and while I free his erection, it rubs my face. I breathe, I smell the softness of his groin on my face, eyes closed, totally abandoned.  
\- Oh God ... - I think Roger is looking at me and I think I'm completely crazy.  
I leave a small bite on his hip and instinctive pushes toward my mouth because it is one of his weak points.  
I giggle and after that I take off his pants and boxers, I come on his erection and slid from base to tip, slid to the other side and then I wrap it in my mouth.  
When I suck with determination and vigor, he pushes with the pelvis as if I was already his.  
I think the world wants this, even those who hate these things will have wanted our own special union on one hand.  
And now we are. We are giving shape to every damned and perverse desire.  
His erection grows in my mouth, his hands on my hair to attract my head to the growing pace.  
When he is about to come, he pulls me away and pushes me changing the positions. He takes my face with a hand with a command air, I immediately open my legs and mouth, I pull out my tongue towards his, smiles mischievous, he has that look. The look of the commander.  
Roger is used to having everything in his hand, to command. And now I don’t ask for anything else.  
\- Fuck me ... - I implore, I feel can’t resist.  
He smiles mischievously and rubs with the pelvis against mine, our excited and hard erections play one on the other and close my eyes abandoned, I can’t do it anymore.  
\- I'm coming... -  
But he stops rubbing and goes down with his mouth. He does his my hard excitement and possesses it, as it after he’ll possess all over me. I push and ask for more, I have to put my fist in my mouth to not shout.  
I want more, I can’t do it.  
I push him away when I feel that I'm coming, I turn under him and I put on all fours, I push my buttocks towards him in the position I prefer to be caught and at this I think he'll go crazy. I don't have to ask.  
His hands on my back, then on my hips, tighten my buttocks, he slides into my slit and his tongue makes me crazy. It burns my skin, his damp trail, his face disappears in the part I want he makes his, he deals with the tongue and then with my fingers. He is there all the time he wants, torturing me and giving me an incredible pleasure. My hand runs between my legs to work on erection still tough. It's endless folly.  
I think I'm a huge exciting vision, I'm in this position over him masturbating myself.  
After a while he gets up, he takes my hips and I don’t ask again.  
\- Please. - I just say.  
He smiles, I feel it. Then he comes in.  
The relief I feel is immediate. I take a moment, he stops. Then he goes out and pushes him even harder and more powerful. He make it even stronger until he get in, and I get used quite quickly, I'm prepared enough.  
I move towards him and go to him and in a moment the pace grows and we go in a perfect synchrony, as if we had done this for ever.  
The intensity is crazy and choke the voice in the bed because I want to shout.  
Roger pushes me and makes me, I want to shout, I want to ask for more and stronger, but he content me without asking, until I come to a boiling and liberating pleasure.  
Soon I feel him coming in.  
Oh God, it was time.  
I couldn’t do it anymore.  
I think I've waited a lifetime for this moment.  
I don't know, I'm crazy.  
So I stay tight on the bed with my fists, my face on the sheets, panting, his hands on my hips, pushing me in for a few moments, then stops, slides out and leans over me covering me, wraps me around waist with arms, hands on chest, fingers on nipples. The lips on my ear.  
\- Somehow I love you to die. And all this madness I hope will end, finally. I couldn’t stand it any longer. - I smile as my tears come in for the overwhelming reach of what I feel. I turn my face toward him as he stands over and keeps me in this pornographic position.  
\- At this moment you could do me whatever you want. - He laughs, then takes my mouth. We kiss and there is a kind of peace after perversion and madness. As if everything was in place and quieted. As if the big bang had stopped reconstructing the universe and now admired his masterpiece.  
He let me go and I turn around and put myself under the blankets in the right direction, he lies beside me, we cover and close the bedside light. Then he pulls on me and I cling to his chest. I hear his heart beat sharply and calm me, the peace of the senses blends. His hand on my hair caresses me gently.  
I lift my head and look into his eyes, he is serious and relaxed, I'm still confused.  
I did what I had promised to never do. Nobody ever banned me, just me.  
Maybe if I told me 'well Rafa, you'll do it for yourself for a day and will not have the consequences,' maybe I would never have done it.  
Or maybe we just should do it. It didn’t matter how and when, we had to.  
I don’t know. I have no idea what tomorrow will be and how much I have been sent to whores and how much I will go mad to forgive me.  
I think this was the night to live like this. I really think so.  
We kiss gently and his tongue takes care of my own as well as his body welcomes my, his hand continues to caress me gently.  
We say nothing else.  
Only we get caught and stay so for the most part of the night.  
Without telling us anything, just cuddling together, until we fall asleep.  
What we did is a great mess. But at least it's a wonderful mess.  
  
When I wake up I get worried with a strange feeling.  
Starting off I always have the crooked moon. Snorting I stretch my hand at the blind on bedside table for my phone to see what time it is, it didn’t play any alarms. Not finding it, I open an half-eye. The light filters from the lowered persian and lights up the hotel room; at a later time I remember that we are in Prague for the Laver Cup, so it should be the second day.  
After making a local mind, I turn in this spacious bed. Until the hand crawls up looking for the other cushion where I like stay under for a while. But at this point I meet a body. I go over it.  
A naked chest, nipples.  
I still worry and I look back to see whit whom I am in the room, and when I look there is a smile sweet, damn sweet.  
He turned three-quarters toward me with his bent elbow and head on hand, his hair curled and the air of those who had never been more satisfied.  
Only now I remember everything and widening my eyes I turn on and looked under the sheets.  
Fuck, we're naked!  
\- Did we really do that ?! - I'm upset. His laughter resounds and I turn to him, pulling me to sit down. - But how the fuck you doing, don't you have a conscience? An part is a raptus, but then you should repent, right? Think about who you betrayed, what a disaster that happened ... watching you looks like a walk! Roger we did a disaster! How the fuck do I handle it now? - I cover my face with my hands, I step on my hair and I ruffle them even more, he laughs and sits as me, he moves forward and approaches me, puts an arm around my shoulders and kisses my cheek, then whispers in my ear:  
\- Good luck to you wonderful mess boy! - I pouted and fix him badly. How dare he joking up on it?  
\- No seriously, how are you doing? You don't seem to have a heart! - I exaggerate of purpose to push him to take me seriously. It's absurd what's going on.  
He puts a hand on my back and slides down on my side shamless.  
\- What is done is done, it doesn’t erase it. You just accept it. - Unhappy sigh.  
\- You have Stan ... - Mirka is a facade wife, the mother of his children, his official companion for the whole world. Just as Xisca is mine. But we both know that our real commitments are with others.  
\- And you Nole. - He calmly responds by laying my lips on my shoulder, which makes me shiver. I look at him with one of my usual spontaneous grimace.  
\- You don’t care at all? - He raises his shoulders and shakes his head seriously at last.  
\- Of course I care, but I'm not a fool. I knew it would be so from the time I helped Rod conceive the Laver Cup. When he called me and told me he had a project and he absolutely wanted to see me and you in the same team. I realized that it was possible and that it would have been so. -  
Silence, I get tired and standing in front of him to understand his words. He.  
I knew he was involved in the project, but I didn’t think so...  
\- So you designed the thing so that it was possible? - I'm surprised and move my shoulder out of his mouth to look at him well, he straightens up and stand in my same position, with arms folded on his knees.  
\- I think they would do it without me, that's just that I helped them think about it. - Yes, Rod wanted it, with or without Roger would have created it anyway. Rod had the primary idea.  
I sigh and shake my head resting my forehead on my forearms, as if I were punishing.  
\- So it's been a year since you said 'ok, is it time to do this, the others will have to understand?' - He laughs and I want to give him a headshot, I'm disappointed by myself.  
\- It was inevitable, Rafa. Everyone knew that sooner or later it happened, this event was an excuse. It had to happen, point. Now we can register and move on. - I look at him as if he blaspheme.  
\- Like nothing? - He raises his shoulders quietly leaning back, stretching his legs in front of him comfortable, the sheet ends on the groin covered for a while.  
\- Not like nothing. As you want to take it. I knew it, Stan knew. Definitely Nole too. Only you missed. The fact that Nole will not accept it as easily as Stan doesn’t take away is now done. - This speech gives me nerves and cursing I get upset, walking naked looking for something to wear, not finding it because I threw it all in the air, I go to the bathroom leaving open the door to continue to grumble like an angry bull.  
\- You look infantile, immature and insensitive! It's a serious thing, I didn't have a character, I fell like an idiot! For a night of sex with my forbidden dream of ever, my 'gigantic question unresolved'! And now? And then you think Stan accepts it because he knew it was happening, but the thing of ‘if you do it with him I do it with Nole’ was not a free way but a threat. Evidently you don’t care enough of him, not as it should, not as he hoped! I can’t hide the things you do! You're a poker face, I can’t! Nole will understand it as soon as I write 'Good morning' by phone! -  
The long rumbling happens between wc, tooth and facial scrubbing, and after I have combed my hair with the wet comb in the desperate hope that they fix. Thist all with Roger doing the same things in the same bathroom with me crossing and joining me as if we were a pretty couple. And it's all wonderful, we never stop it.  
The thing is even more serious.  
At the end of the preparation we are still naked.  
\- And you have nothing to say? - I say annoying. He laughs, takes my face in his hands and kisses me suddenly.  
\- It was unforgettable! Now let's think at double of this night! - So, as if nothing had happened, as if it were all normal.  
The blood goes immediately to my brain, I gaze him and open my eyes, he giggles coming in the room, he picks up my uniform of today that was over I didn’t even know where, he leaves it on my bed and then started dressing.  
\- You have something that doesn’t go! - I sigh annoyed and eventually I decide to dress. - However, at least it must not happen anymore. If you talk to Nole, if you just answer some of his calls, if you put in the middle, look ... - He raises his hands, so I'm agitated and angry, so he is calm. And I hate when they are calm if I'm angry.  
Which then I really don't know what I should do with Nole now. Also admitted that I don’t do it anymore and for some miracle I deceive it and conceal it well ... I know it!  
I can’t pretend anything with myself knowing what I did.  
What the hell, why everything has to be so difficult? Couldn’t we have polygamies of culture?3. BIG BENG  
  
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http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal11.png  
  
Roger is not stripping himself to seduce me, but his eyes make believe me.  
I stand still for a while before he tells me with a particularly low tone:  
\- What are you going to do? - And here's my head with a single sense, which is not what it should probably think right away.  
I should have said 'now I change myself', instead I say:  
\- It depends on what you want to do! - And it's when I see his eyebrow rise, less than it usually my gets up, which I understand he meant in another sense. The more 'normal'.  
I swallow and blush as I shake my head and raise my hands.  
\- No, forgive it ... - With this I take refuge in the bathroom without taking anything to change me.  
Of course I come from a bath and put me in another.  
What are you, a kid, Rafa?  
You are a man, you are more than thirty, behaving like that.  
Now go there, put on your pajamas and go to sleep.  
Stop running away. Run away will not help you.  
Okay, it's just that as long as I saw him in the shower in the locker room it was a thing, now you know, the idea of sleeping together in the same bed is heavy and ... I don’t know ... I'm afraid!  
But of what? If I don’t want, nothing will happen.  
That's right. I'm afraid of wanting it.  
But Nole? How can I want Roger while I'm ok with Nole?  
Sigh, I close my eyes and come out. When I come back, Roger is under the blankets and the big light is off, only that of the bedside lamp is lit that creates a certain atmosphere.  
He has one of his two phones, his back raised on the head of the bed, a dark blue pajamas, quite normal.  
I've never seen him in pajamas. I saw him naked, but never in pajamas.  
It's so strange.  
He looks up briefly and returns to the phone leaving me the time and space to do what I want.  
\- Goes better? - He asks persuasive. His calm suddenly irritates me and my heat comes to me that ends up burning it all. I take off the shirt and even the pants, now I’m in boxer, those of before.  
\- How the hell are you doing so calmly? -  
Roger sees me excited and gaze me astonished, I puff up.  
\- What should I do? If I act, nothing changes ... -  
I raise my eyes to heaven, a typical answer. I throw in my suitcase looking for pajamas and fuck, I thought of everything except the pajamas.  
\- But are not you nervous? Don’t you feel anything? I don’t understand, it seems like you don’t care about a fuck! - So I'm starting to pull everything out in the hope of finding something to put, but I usually sleep in a boxer so I didn’t think about pajamas. I'm an idiot!  
How I would like Nole to be here!  
\- Rafa ... - I keep throwing everything in the air like a fool, I'm not holding it. - Rafa ... - Roger calls me again and since I don’t stop, he comes over me from my side, he takes my hand and stops me suddenly.  
I calm myself magically, I look him crouched, he’s all stretched from his to my side, leans on an elbow, the other hand holds mine. Our eyes in this darkness are met and his are so enviably calm. All the opposite of mine. How the hell he does?  
\- All right, we don’t have to do anything. -  
\- I don’t understand what the hell is that different than it makes me crazy! Why are we all so strange? - I’m going to ask exasperated, the tone of who is going to cry instead of getting angry.  
\- Because it's different. -  
\- But what ?! - I’m almost begging to kneel down to the bedside. And he who doesn’t leave my hand, leave my damn hand.  
\- Because we have this long-choked desire and now it's here and it's the protagonist and everyone is expecting us tonight to do something. We to first. -  
I close my eyes and shake my head trying to make order, but it’s a desperate attempt.  
\- I don’t understand why this nervous. If we don’t want it, it doesn't happen. -  
\- Because we really want it like crazy, but the thoughts of our boyfriends restrain us. It 's that to restrain us, not the fact that we don’t want it. It's different, you know? - The sweetness with which he tells me pushes me to open my eyes and look at him, sigh tired leaving my muscles, my hands are clenched fist, his fingers slip between mine and this burns, burns me crazy because it dissolves me and terrifies me.  
The shivers cover me as I understand he's right.  
Maybe I should have given it to me at least once before being with Nole. But maybe if I was granted it, I would never have been with him, did not I?  
Suddenly a chaos invades me, while one of Nole's favorite speeches blinks in my mind.  
'I don’t want you to be with me because you have to. I want you to be with me because you want. If you want to go with Roger, I don’t want you to be with me. 'It's very simple indeed.  
But something makes it complicated.  
My eyes burn and I can’t see better, he puts a hand on my cheek and caresses me.  
\- We will not do anything, we don't have to. -  
\- But we want it. - I admit to myself more than to him and my voice is low and broken. I feel so guilty about Nole. I don’t want to hurt him, but a part of me, a very strong part, wants to go to bed with Roger.  
\- Yes, we want it. - His face is getting closer to mine, I look at his mouth as tears stop pressing and I relax more and more, as if he comes closer, I let it go and accept it.  
\- How do you live with Stan? - I ask confused, frowning while my eyes remain gazed on his mouth and his hand on my cheek, the other still interwoven with mine. I stand at the edge of the bed where he is. The foreheads are now joined.  
\- I can’t fool anyone that I love pretending not to want another man. If I want you, I want you. It's the mere truth. Not going with you is an effort, not a will. It's a tease, because when you want it, betrayal has already happened. - I'm still worse and I raise my eyes to figure out what he’s going to do with this, he slides with thumb on my mouth, caresses me and slips sensually inside, looks for my tongue and I feverish, drunk, lick him. The contact is terrifying. The excitement is instantaneous, the heat is an endless wave.  
\- I’ve already betrayed him with my soul and every instinct, Stan knows. Just hoping to do it seriously with the body, can bring me back to him. I think he’s hoping for a kind of shock therapy before he give up with me. - I shake my eyes imperceptibly and he reads me. - No, it's not going so well between us. Mostly when he sees me with you. And this year has seen me a lot. -  
I don’t think Nole believes in the shock therapy and start over turning the page. But surely he is not stupid and can’t continue this way. This year more Roger and I were fine and together, the more he was in crisis.  
I take his hand out of my mouth, hands intertwine like the others and remain high on my cheek.  
\- So you decided to do it once and for all and go after it? That if we have to close with them, this time we’ll close, or if will just be a bracket that will allow us to take away all this madness from the head then will it even better? -  
It shrugs with sweet, simple air.  
\- It doesn’t make sense? - I shrug my shoulder for a moment.  
\- I don’t know, but I can understand it. -  
He makes a smile that is a mixture between sweet and seductive, eventually he asks me.  
\- What do you want to do, Rafa? - And at this point I think if I do nothing I will find every second of my life to fight with myself and my feelings.  
Maybe it's time to do something for once.  
If not, take this obsession away.  
I close my eyes, I leave his hands, I take his face and join our lips.  
Contact is devastating.  
A violent electric shock crosses me and in a moment it's as if I were to change, as if it came out the beast I've been holding desperately for years.  
That savage side frees up and in an instant everything changes.  
We open our mouths, unite them, rotate our heads, reward one another and the toungs finally find themselves. Our flavors mingle, swirl one another, we caress, fight, and then instinct takes over. I get up from the ground, always holding him in my hands, I go on the bed, I'm going to put on him, but I take off the boxers, the only thing I wear. We stop kissing, he looks at me excited and impatient, I pull out the blankets that still cover him, then I ride over him, I take his hands and raise them to the sides, I intertwine my fingers then with force and passion slide on the forearms, chest, I take the shirt, and as I grab his lip with my teeth, I pull up and put the pajamas up under his chin.  
Let's go to the fire, but at least it will be unforgettable.  
It's as if I can’t stop, everything is deleted, free that part that has wanted him like crazy forever.   
I come down to his chest and I brand him, I do it by sucking, licking and biting. I stand on the nipples and Roger groans trying to hold back.  
My hands still go down with my mouth, I get down his pants and while I free his erection, it rubs my face. I breathe, I smell the softness of his groin on my face, eyes closed, totally abandoned.  
\- Oh God ... - I think Roger is looking at me and I think I'm completely crazy.  
I leave a small bite on his hip and instinctive pushes toward my mouth because it is one of his weak points.  
I giggle and after that I take off his pants and boxers, I come on his erection and slid from base to tip, slid to the other side and then I wrap it in my mouth.  
When I suck with determination and vigor, he pushes with the pelvis as if I was already his.  
I think the world wants this, even those who hate these things will have wanted our own special union on one hand.  
And now we are. We are giving shape to every damned and perverse desire.  
His erection grows in my mouth, his hands on my hair to attract my head to the growing pace.  
When he is about to come, he pulls me away and pushes me changing the positions. He takes my face with a hand with a command air, I immediately open my legs and mouth, I pull out my tongue towards his, smiles mischievous, he has that look. The look of the commander.  
Roger is used to having everything in his hand, to command. And now I don’t ask for anything else.  
\- Fuck me ... - I implore, I feel can’t resist.  
He smiles mischievously and rubs with the pelvis against mine, our excited and hard erections play one on the other and close my eyes abandoned, I can’t do it anymore.  
\- I'm coming... -  
But he stops rubbing and goes down with his mouth. He does his my hard excitement and possesses it, as it after he’ll possess all over me. I push and ask for more, I have to put my fist in my mouth to not shout.  
I want more, I can’t do it.  
I push him away when I feel that I'm coming, I turn under him and I put on all fours, I push my buttocks towards him in the position I prefer to be caught and at this I think he'll go crazy. I don't have to ask.  
His hands on my back, then on my hips, tighten my buttocks, he slides into my slit and his tongue makes me crazy. It burns my skin, his damp trail, his face disappears in the part I want he makes his, he deals with the tongue and then with my fingers. He is there all the time he wants, torturing me and giving me an incredible pleasure. My hand runs between my legs to work on erection still tough. It's endless folly.  
I think I'm a huge exciting vision, I'm in this position over him masturbating myself.  
After a while he gets up, he takes my hips and I don’t ask again.  
\- Please. - I just say.  
He smiles, I feel it. Then he comes in.  
The relief I feel is immediate. I take a moment, he stops. Then he goes out and pushes him even harder and more powerful. He make it even stronger until he get in, and I get used quite quickly, I'm prepared enough.  
I move towards him and go to him and in a moment the pace grows and we go in a perfect synchrony, as if we had done this for ever.  
The intensity is crazy and choke the voice in the bed because I want to shout.  
Roger pushes me and makes me, I want to shout, I want to ask for more and stronger, but he content me without asking, until I come to a boiling and liberating pleasure.  
Soon I feel him coming in.  
Oh God, it was time.  
I couldn’t do it anymore.  
I think I've waited a lifetime for this moment.  
I don't know, I'm crazy.  
So I stay tight on the bed with my fists, my face on the sheets, panting, his hands on my hips, pushing me in for a few moments, then stops, slides out and leans over me covering me, wraps me around waist with arms, hands on chest, fingers on nipples. The lips on my ear.  
\- Somehow I love you to die. And all this madness I hope will end, finally. I couldn’t stand it any longer. - I smile as my tears come in for the overwhelming reach of what I feel. I turn my face toward him as he stands over and keeps me in this pornographic position.  
\- At this moment you could do me whatever you want. - He laughs, then takes my mouth. We kiss and there is a kind of peace after perversion and madness. As if everything was in place and quieted. As if the big bang had stopped reconstructing the universe and now admired his masterpiece.  
He let me go and I turn around and put myself under the blankets in the right direction, he lies beside me, we cover and close the bedside light. Then he pulls on me and I cling to his chest. I hear his heart beat sharply and calm me, the peace of the senses blends. His hand on my hair caresses me gently.  
I lift my head and look into his eyes, he is serious and relaxed, I'm still confused.  
I did what I had promised to never do. Nobody ever banned me, just me.  
Maybe if I told me 'well Rafa, you'll do it for yourself for a day and will not have the consequences,' maybe I would never have done it.  
Or maybe we just should do it. It didn’t matter how and when, we had to.  
I don’t know. I have no idea what tomorrow will be and how much I have been sent to whores and how much I will go mad to forgive me.  
I think this was the night to live like this. I really think so.  
We kiss gently and his tongue takes care of my own as well as his body welcomes my, his hand continues to caress me gently.  
We say nothing else.  
Only we get caught and stay so for the most part of the night.  
Without telling us anything, just cuddling together, until we fall asleep.  
What we did is a great mess. But at least it's a wonderful mess.  
  
When I wake up I get worried with a strange feeling.  
Starting off I always have the crooked moon. Snorting I stretch my hand at the blind on bedside table for my phone to see what time it is, it didn’t play any alarms. Not finding it, I open an half-eye. The light filters from the lowered persian and lights up the hotel room; at a later time I remember that we are in Prague for the Laver Cup, so it should be the second day.  
After making a local mind, I turn in this spacious bed. Until the hand crawls up looking for the other cushion where I like stay under for a while. But at this point I meet a body. I go over it.  
A naked chest, nipples.  
I still worry and I look back to see whit whom I am in the room, and when I look there is a smile sweet, damn sweet.  
He turned three-quarters toward me with his bent elbow and head on hand, his hair curled and the air of those who had never been more satisfied.  
Only now I remember everything and widening my eyes I turn on and looked under the sheets.  
Fuck, we're naked!  
\- Did we really do that ?! - I'm upset. His laughter resounds and I turn to him, pulling me to sit down. - But how the fuck you doing, don't you have a conscience? An part is a raptus, but then you should repent, right? Think about who you betrayed, what a disaster that happened ... watching you looks like a walk! Roger we did a disaster! How the fuck do I handle it now? - I cover my face with my hands, I step on my hair and I ruffle them even more, he laughs and sits as me, he moves forward and approaches me, puts an arm around my shoulders and kisses my cheek, then whispers in my ear:  
\- Good luck to you wonderful mess boy! - I pouted and fix him badly. How dare he joking up on it?  
\- No seriously, how are you doing? You don't seem to have a heart! - I exaggerate of purpose to push him to take me seriously. It's absurd what's going on.  
He puts a hand on my back and slides down on my side shamless.  
\- What is done is done, it doesn’t erase it. You just accept it. - Unhappy sigh.  
\- You have Stan ... - Mirka is a facade wife, the mother of his children, his official companion for the whole world. Just as Xisca is mine. But we both know that our real commitments are with others.  
\- And you Nole. - He calmly responds by laying my lips on my shoulder, which makes me shiver. I look at him with one of my usual spontaneous grimace.  
\- You don’t care at all? - He raises his shoulders and shakes his head seriously at last.  
\- Of course I care, but I'm not a fool. I knew it would be so from the time I helped Rod conceive the Laver Cup. When he called me and told me he had a project and he absolutely wanted to see me and you in the same team. I realized that it was possible and that it would have been so. -  
Silence, I get tired and standing in front of him to understand his words. He.  
I knew he was involved in the project, but I didn’t think so...  
\- So you designed the thing so that it was possible? - I'm surprised and move my shoulder out of his mouth to look at him well, he straightens up and stand in my same position, with arms folded on his knees.  
\- I think they would do it without me, that's just that I helped them think about it. - Yes, Rod wanted it, with or without Roger would have created it anyway. Rod had the primary idea.  
I sigh and shake my head resting my forehead on my forearms, as if I were punishing.  
\- So it's been a year since you said 'ok, is it time to do this, the others will have to understand?' - He laughs and I want to give him a headshot, I'm disappointed by myself.  
\- It was inevitable, Rafa. Everyone knew that sooner or later it happened, this event was an excuse. It had to happen, point. Now we can register and move on. - I look at him as if he blaspheme.  
\- Like nothing? - He raises his shoulders quietly leaning back, stretching his legs in front of him comfortable, the sheet ends on the groin covered for a while.  
\- Not like nothing. As you want to take it. I knew it, Stan knew. Definitely Nole too. Only you missed. The fact that Nole will not accept it as easily as Stan doesn’t take away is now done. - This speech gives me nerves and cursing I get upset, walking naked looking for something to wear, not finding it because I threw it all in the air, I go to the bathroom leaving open the door to continue to grumble like an angry bull.  
\- You look infantile, immature and insensitive! It's a serious thing, I didn't have a character, I fell like an idiot! For a night of sex with my forbidden dream of ever, my 'gigantic question unresolved'! And now? And then you think Stan accepts it because he knew it was happening, but the thing of ‘if you do it with him I do it with Nole’ was not a free way but a threat. Evidently you don’t care enough of him, not as it should, not as he hoped! I can’t hide the things you do! You're a poker face, I can’t! Nole will understand it as soon as I write 'Good morning' by phone! -  
The long rumbling happens between wc, tooth and facial scrubbing, and after I have combed my hair with the wet comb in the desperate hope that they fix. Thist all with Roger doing the same things in the same bathroom with me crossing and joining me as if we were a pretty couple. And it's all wonderful, we never stop it.  
The thing is even more serious.  
At the end of the preparation we are still naked.  
\- And you have nothing to say? - I say annoying. He laughs, takes my face in his hands and kisses me suddenly.  
\- It was unforgettable! Now let's think at double of this night! - So, as if nothing had happened, as if it were all normal.  
The blood goes immediately to my brain, I gaze him and open my eyes, he giggles coming in the room, he picks up my uniform of today that was over I didn’t even know where, he leaves it on my bed and then started dressing.  
\- You have something that doesn’t go! - I sigh annoyed and eventually I decide to dress. - However, at least it must not happen anymore. If you talk to Nole, if you just answer some of his calls, if you put in the middle, look ... - He raises his hands, so I'm agitated and angry, so he is calm. And I hate when they are calm if I'm angry.  
Which then I really don't know what I should do with Nole now. Also admitted that I don’t do it anymore and for some miracle I deceive it and conceal it well ... I know it!  
I can’t pretend anything with myself knowing what I did.  
What the hell, why everything has to be so difficult? Couldn’t we have polygamies of culture?


	4. Never more like now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the morning of the second day of Laver Cup, Rafa is convinced not to do it again with Roger to try to save the salvable of his relationship with Nole, but between saying and doing there is his deepest instinct. His essence of pure impulse. How long will his good intention to straighten up? In the evening they play double and it is all day to prepare that, as if it were a fever, a madness, the event of the century. Will it be able to withstand this atmosphere in which the whole world wants to literally marry them?  
> hoping to have done a nice work with translation

4\. NEVER MORE LIKE NOW

  [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal40.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal37.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal35.2.png)  
  


Roger and I are in the canteen with all the others, there is someone who has a terrible face, someone is super happy, someone is jerked.  
And then I don't know how to read Nick, Domi, Jack and Sascha. Among those four I think something is actually happening ... but I don’t care much about it.  
Seeing Nick watching Roger and me with the air of someone who remembers something epic, I remember I have to threaten him, so ignoring Roger and the rest of my team, I go to him and ask to talk later. He raises his shoulders quietly and nods, so he get a bad gaze from Sascha while Jack laughs.  
Okay, Jack is his accomplice. Sascha has no clear ideas, but Domi seems rather unconvinced, so I don't know what they did tonight.  
Roger sits next to them and studies all cheerful and amused. He is in his habitat. How do he looks at their affairs?  
  
\- Then something happened between Sascha and Nick, but he is of the type he does and doesn’t want to talk about it, in short ... it comes as it comes, did you not understand? And so Sascha didn’t feel busy and being attracted by Domi, he went with him! But Domi had never thought of this side of life, let's say, he fell from the pear. And now that Sascha has gone with Domi, he's confused because he is jealous of how Nick sees Jack and now they have been fighting for these things and has their head there. But I told him to think about tennis and solve it calmly. Take advantage of the tennis courts to escape from the messes. - I raise my eyes to the sky and sigh unbelievably that he is so gossip and that he is saying things so naturally. - How did you go with Nick? - He then asks me if it is secondary.  
\- Well, he said these are normal things between members of the circuit and that he is not a gossip teenager. - I say it by quoting his words because Roger is just that he looks like.  
\- Like me, do you mean? - Roger makes me laugh and so the tension between us and that he insisted on erasing talking about something else, really goes away.  
\- He was upset, he didn’t expect it, he thought that it was me and you a couple, but in short ... that's all right. -  
\- But he has tried with you! - He says while training with me in the machines decisively ahead of others who are not currently with us.  
\- I remember that, huh? - I'm sharp. He continues.  
\- No no ... you don’t understand ... Nick tried with you being with Sascha. Maybe Sascha was right to think he was not busy with Nick, you see? But he's angry with him now! Why is he? - And so I sigh and shake my head again, lifting my eyes to heaven as before.  
\- But what do you care? -  
\- How does it no care to you? -  
\- Oh, please, be serious! You are 36 years old! -  
\- What, a 36-year-old turn off the brain? -  
\- No, but can’t do gossip! -  
\- But I'm curious, I'm not gossip! - This is where Domi and Sascha come with faces that are all a program and I didn’t want to, but I burst out laughing because I imagine the situation Roger told me and I understand everything.  
Roger pulls me in a hidden kick and so stop laughing.  
For the rest it's a talk about double tonight's tactics and to be out of the world for the most part of the day. As if the others were not there.  
  
The day and the wait were incredibly long. We also played singles, so we have been busy among other things. When the famous magical moment arrives, the excitement is so great considering what we did tonight.  
I don’t want to make mistakes, I don’t want to miss this opportunity to play with Roger, I want to enjoy it and make a good figure. Everyone's eyes are focused on this game, one year they expect this match. I've been waiting for a year.  
It's nothing special in fact, it's been tonight that we fucked.  
But this is different.  
We are two great tennis champions, great rivals and friends who are on the same side. We are two colleagues, we are two partners.  
I repeat these things like a mantra because they make me feel weird, really strange, and as I move forward I feel more and more excited and charged, I can’t think much.  
We talk about tactics, come to film us and take pictures, make a selfie, it's all so full.  
Roger and me together. Much more than before. Before it breathed this fever, now is a rampant madness. It was all for this moment and we are, billions of people wanted and hoped for this and I can’t even figure out why they have an obsession like this.  
Finally we go to change and prepare to get into the field, we are just he and me for this moment.  
\- Did you hear him? - He asks me to sudden by referring to Nole  while we training together in a room reserved to us with the machines.  
I look him amazed.  
\- Do you want to talk about it right now? - He raises his shoulders.  
\- I don’t hear Stan from the beginning. He told me do what you want, then you see how to handle it. He was convinced that it would happened, for him it was just a wait to see how I wanted to go after. - I look at him frowning as I pull the elastic for the muscles and he keeps it.  
\- And how do you want to do next? - He raises his shoulders and shakes his head.  
\- It'll handle him as he wants. I can’t be telling him how we will. After all I'm the one who betrayed him. The ball is up to him. - He answers calmly. I'm surprised at the simplicity with which he lives and he sees it, I don’t know how he does it honestly.  
\- But is it okay for you anyway? -  
\- I have no choice. I did what I wanted, now I'm collecting the consequences. All that will be. -  
\- He doesn't seems a type  that want to handle these things, I'm wrong? - Hand change and I do it with the other arm, he continues to hold the elastic for me. It's strange to do these exercises with him, it's nice anyway. For once we are companions and not rivals. It's so beautiful seriously.  
\- No, he hates it. He prefers that I decide, he agrees passive, but it is something that makes me angry. He has to fight for what he wants, must be asserted, must choose and decide and go straight on his way. He has the character. He pulls it out when he wants. In general, however ... if you don’t tease him, he lets himself passive. I don't know - he sighs a bit discontent and intolerant about the situation with him and I see why he eventually wanted to come with me. To stimulate Stan to pull out the side that he suffocate? To make fight him? They obviously have couple problems, otherwise he would not have planned this fuck from a year. The two of them are together for really many years. At some point relationships are found in strange places ... some routines, some it’s time that changes or fades ... I don’t know ...  
\- And you? - Go back to the first question while we stop with the elastic band and let us do other shots and jumps exercises, one in front of each other.  
I sigh and shake my head.  
\- I didn’t write to him. I didn’t hear him. He didn’t come to me. I think he’s dying down there ... - he rubs his lips in desolate way.  
\- He knows what happened, as Stan knows. They will even be talking about it. Maybe they're even doing it to bear it ... - It feels normal to him, maybe because it's right they do it.  
\- I don’t want to leave Nole, I don’t want it to end. Between us has always gone well, certainly we have to argue one day yes and the other too, but that's what keeps us alive. It's not a routine, it's not that one is passive toward the other who manage everything. We didn’t get bored. And he doesn’t call me because he has the fear of knowing that you and I did it. And I don’t call him because I know I'll let him know it and I don’t want to give him a confirmation, but the fact that I don’t call him already gives confirmation that it happened. This time we are fighting without talking. It's the first time that happens and I'm afraid that when I get back, when we see again ... there will be nothing to talk about, you know? Because it will end without telling it. There will be nothing left to decide. I ... I don’t know what to do. So I don’t do anything for once, and I think about tennis and enjoy one of the things I've always wanted since I've been a tennis player. - He smiles gently and melancholy, stops in front of me and puts back a lock of hair, I stiffen and look at the camera that is placed in a corner that resumes everything that happens here. He understands and goes back to doing stratching while I stand on the bike and look at him.  
\- I don’t know how to handle this thing, I usually get it all in front, you know? I go, I speak, I play war. And he is cold, but with me he can’t keep silent and cold, I make him angry. Now none of us do what we should. How is it between us? Maybe it's over! - I’ve tears in my eyes, my voice fades and I go to the other side puffing and jumping, far away from him. He would like to reach me but he doesn’t approach.  
\- But I decided I didn’t want to do it again. I don’t know whether it was right or not to do it now. I've done it. I don’t regret it, it was very nice. But if I want to have hopes with Nole, the least is that I don’t do it anymore. I don’t know if it will help for something, but at least I have to try to do the right thing. If anyway it will end badly, I will try to straighten it. -  
Roger looks surprised, makes a weird smile, but says nothing. Soon after they call us, it is time to get into the field so we gather everything and put ourselves in the runners waiting to start.  
The tension is even higher, I feel extremely excited, I can’t wait, now we are, is a sort of dream.  
When we go to the field, the crowd acclaims us, there is a crazy ovation and all eyes are to us, fever and madness increase and are contagious. As soon as we get in the field my messes disappear, we are just he and I. We against the other two in a tennis competition, the sport I love, which I prefer. I grew up watching him become the best and I thought I wanted to get where he was and now I play next to after having beaten him and after him have beaten me many times.  
The point is that Roger has always been my dream, first in a tennistically, then when I realized I was gay, it was normal losing my head for him. My fantasies became incarnate when I had him in front of me and I saw how friendly and helpful he was, he unintentionally gave me a rope and I put him on a pedestal.  
He is perfect, untouchable, unattainable. But I did everything to get to him.  
And I got there.  
I became his direct rival, I passed him in certain competitions and in certain years, I became his friend and this strange relationship was established.  
And now it's so easy to laugh and talk to him, it's so easy to get united together, talk about everything, have fun. He has that calm power over me. I can be tense and embarrassed in different situations, with strangers, I can easily get angry ... but with him it's all easier and I can not explain how happy I am to be at his side after all my life  passed to adore him in every aspects.  
Falling in love with your idol is normal, I always told it. And then he was untouchable, because your idols are untouchable even if you become friends.  
Instead, then this exchange was born, this being desired by him as much as he was from me. This to please each other, to be on the same plane for each other, to look for us, to be well, to trust. This attraction.  
But now we had other lives, other directions. By now everyone had someone else. You couldn’t erase it, you can’t just because what you've always wanted was not unattainable but at your handy. Not only because you just stretch out your hand and you can have it ... because now you have another, love him, you go well together. Don’t make the whims, Rafa. Not even you, Roger.  
When we meet together to exult, give us our hands, plot together, agree, laugh, relax, make perfect combinations, understand immediately. When the first set is perfect and we decide to calm down in the second we lose, when we are the third tie match we go like hell. When it's all perfect and we're exalted again for what we can do together, for the way we crush them again, for what comes out of our union.  
When we win this way is pure excitement. An excitement that I can’t forget.  
Adrenaline flows throughout my body and I have it hard as we embrace and exult.  
He and I one in the arms of the other not to console each other because one of the two has won and one has lost, but because we are together, because we both won.  
I think like a shock to January, at his words in Australian Open, when he said he really wanted to share the award with me for once.  
Now we are here and share this victory together.  
Traumatic and upsetting.  
My head is off, I don’t think, I can’t. I know in a small part of me that I should, but it doesn’t restart my brain.  
So when we are under the showers it's a great thing we're not alone to wash because the changing rooms are in common with others, otherwise I would jump on him.  
I still feel the electricity inside, I can’t stop looking at him, talking exalted about that passage or other and spraying joy everywhere, it's so nice that I don’t even realize how much it’s sees how excited I am.  
We don't have the opportunity to be alone, because when we leave the dressing rooms we go to the conference. We have a half hour of questions, then the others are waiting for us to go to dinner together and it's still all too hot and euphoric.  
I can’t stop thinking, talking, Roger and I are on fire and we talk about past events together and everyone laughs, the atmosphere is cheerful and we're over the lines and it sees that this double is liked to us more than any other and I have to say that everyone liked it quite a lot.  
  
Only when we are finally in the bedroom, rather late, I realize that this excitement has not fallen for a moment and we are even brighter than ever.  
\- Finally alone! - Says Roger spontaneously just close the door behind us.  
\- It was beautiful, didn’t you? - I say, forgetting every private mess, every night before, every promise. Now I'm just Rafa the passionate tennis player who has played with one of his favorite players ever, the most loved person.  
\- First set and third were wonderful! Dream really! -  
he exclaims equally excited while he starts to take off his jacket and then his shoes.  
\- We managed to play well despite everything. It was the first time together, our styles are very different and we didn’t train, and then we were too excited and loaded, and after we calmed down too much. Then in the third we went back and everything went well. Think about playing an entire game that way! - I keep talking as fast as if I was doing by something.  
He laughs and opens the sweater by beginning to undress, but it's not like last night he was trying to seduce me. He has still the head on the match.  
\- I always thought about how to play with you. I can do things under the net with you behind my shoulders. It's the match I wanted since I realized you were a special person. - He says lowering the tone, makes him more persuasive and less excited and I shake my dreamy head.  
\- It has gone far beyond my most rosy expectations. I didn't think that playing with the person I always wanted was so beautiful. - Then I realize what I said, but now I'm out of control, he's surprised he stays with his shirt and his suit, he doesn't keep undressing and looks at me with an intriguing and inquisitive air. I understand why he does, since after the good speeches before the match it seemed that I wanted to distance myself. Instead, here we are and this is getting out of hand.  
\- Well, the dream has been lived, it's been fine, but it's finished now. I don’t know if we should do it again, especially for what it means for us to put together in a double. After all, we are not really so free ... - at this moment his 'I don’t want to ruin your expectations, baby’ fired at the conference, I remember with the same wave of excitement that left me at that moment. To the idea of not being able to be freely with him, I understand what I meant when I said I would not do anything again.  
No more euphoria, no excitement, I will never feel what I felt tonight at his side. The uncontaminated joy of being close to him, being on the same side, supporting each other, embracing us, creating tactics, doing things together. I will never feel it. It was all a single moment. Just like yesterday. Yesterday was the only night. One of the most beautiful. I will no longer be able to feel it because I decided not to, because I have commitments because I don’t want to hurt who I love that don’t deserve it. Even though I already hurt him. Although it may still be over. Even if giving up now is perhaps useless because I've already thrown it all away.  
I lose in his penetrating eyes, in his expression of expectation, in him still that doesn’t continue to undress and says nothing. Does nothing. He waits for me and sees the turbine that strikes me.  
He looks it very good.  
And while I see myself giving up all this, not living it anymore, choking, forgetting, pretending, as if it was not wonderful, just as I understand that I can’t do anything, something rebelled within me and cursing I go to front of him, rubbing his shirt violently, I push him while I kiss him and a4. NEVER MORE LIKE THIS  
  
Roger and I are in the canteen with all the others, there is someone who has a terrible face, someone is super happy, someone is jerked.  
And then I don't know how to read Nick, Domi, Jack and Sascha. Among those four I think something is actually happening ... but I don’t care much about it.  
Seeing Nick watching Roger and me with the air of someone who remembers something epic, I remember I have to threaten him, so ignoring Roger and the rest of my team, I go to him and ask to talk later. He raises his shoulders quietly and nods, so he get a bad gaze from Sascha while Jack laughs.  
Okay, Jack is his accomplice. Sascha has no clear ideas, but Domi seems rather unconvinced, so I don't know what they did tonight.  
Roger sits next to them and studies all cheerful and amused. He is in his habitat. How do he looks at their affairs?  
  
\- Then something happened between Sascha and Nick, but he is of the type he does and doesn’t want to talk about it, in short ... it comes as it comes, did you not understand? And so Sascha didn’t feel busy and being attracted by Domi, he went with him! But Domi had never thought of this side of life, let's say, he fell from the pear. And now that Sascha has gone with Domi, he's confused because he is jealous of how Nick sees Jack and now they have been fighting for these things and has their head there. But I told him to think about tennis and solve it calmly. Take advantage of the tennis courts to escape from the messes. - I raise my eyes to the sky and sigh unbelievably that he is so gossip and that he is saying things so naturally. - How did you go with Nick? - He then asks me if it is secondary.  
\- Well, he said these are normal things between members of the circuit and that he is not a gossip teenager. - I say it by quoting his words because Roger is just that he looks like.  
\- Like me, do you mean? - Roger makes me laugh and so the tension between us and that he insisted on erasing talking about something else, really goes away.  
\- He was upset, he didn’t expect it, he thought that it was me and you a couple, but in short ... that's all right. -  
\- But he has tried with you! - He says while training with me in the machines decisively ahead of others who are not currently with us.  
\- I remember that, huh? - I'm sharp. He continues.  
\- No no ... you don’t understand ... Nick tried with you being with Sascha. Maybe Sascha was right to think he was not busy with Nick, you see? But he's angry with him now! Why is he? - And so I sigh and shake my head again, lifting my eyes to heaven as before.  
\- But what do you care? -  
\- How does it no care to you? -  
\- Oh, please, be serious! You are 36 years old! -  
\- What, a 36-year-old turn off the brain? -  
\- No, but can’t do gossip! -  
\- But I'm curious, I'm not gossip! - This is where Domi and Sascha come with faces that are all a program and I didn’t want to, but I burst out laughing because I imagine the situation Roger told me and I understand everything.  
Roger pulls me in a hidden kick and so stop laughing.  
For the rest it's a talk about double tonight's tactics and to be out of the world for the most part of the day. As if the others were not there.  
  
The day and the wait were incredibly long. We also played singles, so we have been busy among other things. When the famous magical moment arrives, the excitement is so great considering what we did tonight.  
I don’t want to make mistakes, I don’t want to miss this opportunity to play with Roger, I want to enjoy it and make a good figure. Everyone's eyes are focused on this game, one year they expect this match. I've been waiting for a year.  
It's nothing special in fact, it's been tonight that we fucked.  
But this is different.  
We are two great tennis champions, great rivals and friends who are on the same side. We are two colleagues, we are two partners.  
I repeat these things like a mantra because they make me feel weird, really strange, and as I move forward I feel more and more excited and charged, I can’t think much.  
We talk about tactics, come to film us and take pictures, make a selfie, it's all so full.  
Roger and me together. Much more than before. Before it breathed this fever, now is a rampant madness. It was all for this moment and we are, billions of people wanted and hoped for this and I can’t even figure out why they have an obsession like this.  
Finally we go to change and prepare to get into the field, we are just he and me for this moment.  
\- Did you hear him? - He asks me to sudden by referring to Nole  while we training together in a room reserved to us with the machines.  
I look him amazed.  
\- Do you want to talk about it right now? - He raises his shoulders.  
\- I don’t hear Stan from the beginning. He told me do what you want, then you see how to handle it. He was convinced that it would happened, for him it was just a wait to see how I wanted to go after. - I look at him frowning as I pull the elastic for the muscles and he keeps it.  
\- And how do you want to do next? - He raises his shoulders and shakes his head.  
\- It'll handle him as he wants. I can’t be telling him how we will. After all I'm the one who betrayed him. The ball is up to him. - He answers calmly. I'm surprised at the simplicity with which he lives and he sees it, I don’t know how he does it honestly.  
\- But is it okay for you anyway? -  
\- I have no choice. I did what I wanted, now I'm collecting the consequences. All that will be. -  
\- He doesn't seems a type  that want to handle these things, I'm wrong? - Hand change and I do it with the other arm, he continues to hold the elastic for me. It's strange to do these exercises with him, it's nice anyway. For once we are companions and not rivals. It's so beautiful seriously.  
\- No, he hates it. He prefers that I decide, he agrees passive, but it is something that makes me angry. He has to fight for what he wants, must be asserted, must choose and decide and go straight on his way. He has the character. He pulls it out when he wants. In general, however ... if you don’t tease him, he lets himself passive. I don't know - he sighs a bit discontent and intolerant about the situation with him and I see why he eventually wanted to come with me. To stimulate Stan to pull out the side that he suffocate? To make fight him? They obviously have couple problems, otherwise he would not have planned this fuck from a year. The two of them are together for really many years. At some point relationships are found in strange places ... some routines, some it’s time that changes or fades ... I don’t know ...  
\- And you? - Go back to the first question while we stop with the elastic band and let us do other shots and jumps exercises, one in front of each other.  
I sigh and shake my head.  
\- I didn’t write to him. I didn’t hear him. He didn’t come to me. I think he’s dying down there ... - he rubs his lips in desolate way.  
\- He knows what happened, as Stan knows. They will even be talking about it. Maybe they're even doing it to bear it ... - It feels normal to him, maybe because it's right they do it.  
\- I don’t want to leave Nole, I don’t want it to end. Between us has always gone well, certainly we have to argue one day yes and the other too, but that's what keeps us alive. It's not a routine, it's not that one is passive toward the other who manage everything. We didn’t get bored. And he doesn’t call me because he has the fear of knowing that you and I did it. And I don’t call him because I know I'll let him know it and I don’t want to give him a confirmation, but the fact that I don’t call him already gives confirmation that it happened. This time we are fighting without talking. It's the first time that happens and I'm afraid that when I get back, when we see again ... there will be nothing to talk about, you know? Because it will end without telling it. There will be nothing left to decide. I ... I don’t know what to do. So I don’t do anything for once, and I think about tennis and enjoy one of the things I've always wanted since I've been a tennis player. - He smiles gently and melancholy, stops in front of me and puts back a lock of hair, I stiffen and look at the camera that is placed in a corner that resumes everything that happens here. He understands and goes back to doing stratching while I stand on the bike and look at him.  
\- I don’t know how to handle this thing, I usually get it all in front, you know? I go, I speak, I play war. And he is cold, but with me he can’t keep silent and cold, I make him angry. Now none of us do what we should. How is it between us? Maybe it's over! - I’ve tears in my eyes, my voice fades and I go to the other side puffing and jumping, far away from him. He would like to reach me but he doesn’t approach.  
\- But I decided I didn’t want to do it again. I don’t know whether it was right or not to do it now. I've done it. I don’t regret it, it was very nice. But if I want to have hopes with Nole, the least is that I don’t do it anymore. I don’t know if it will help for something, but at least I have to try to do the right thing. If anyway it will end badly, I will try to straighten it. -  
Roger looks surprised, makes a weird smile, but says nothing. Soon after they call us, it is time to get into the field so we gather everything and put ourselves in the runners waiting to start.  
The tension is even higher, I feel extremely excited, I can’t wait, now we are, is a sort of dream.  
When we go to the field, the crowd acclaims us, there is a crazy ovation and all eyes are to us, fever and madness increase and are contagious. As soon as we get in the field my messes disappear, we are just he and I. We against the other two in a tennis competition, the sport I love, which I prefer. I grew up watching him become the best and I thought I wanted to get where he was and now I play next to after having beaten him and after him have beaten me many times.  
The point is that Roger has always been my dream, first in a tennistically, then when I realized I was gay, it was normal losing my head for him. My fantasies became incarnate when I had him in front of me and I saw how friendly and helpful he was, he unintentionally gave me a rope and I put him on a pedestal.  
He is perfect, untouchable, unattainable. But I did everything to get to him.  
And I got there.  
I became his direct rival, I passed him in certain competitions and in certain years, I became his friend and this strange relationship was established.  
And now it's so easy to laugh and talk to him, it's so easy to get united together, talk about everything, have fun. He has that calm power over me. I can be tense and embarrassed in different situations, with strangers, I can easily get angry ... but with him it's all easier and I can not explain how happy I am to be at his side after all my life  passed to adore him in every aspects.  
Falling in love with your idol is normal, I always told it. And then he was untouchable, because your idols are untouchable even if you become friends.  
Instead, then this exchange was born, this being desired by him as much as he was from me. This to please each other, to be on the same plane for each other, to look for us, to be well, to trust. This attraction.  
But now we had other lives, other directions. By now everyone had someone else. You couldn’t erase it, you can’t just because what you've always wanted was not unattainable but at your handy. Not only because you just stretch out your hand and you can have it ... because now you have another, love him, you go well together. Don’t make the whims, Rafa. Not even you, Roger.  
When we meet together to exult, give us our hands, plot together, agree, laugh, relax, make perfect combinations, understand immediately. When the first set is perfect and we decide to calm down in the second we lose, when we are the third tie match we go like hell. When it's all perfect and we're exalted again for what we can do together, for the way we crush them again, for what comes out of our union.  
When we win this way is pure excitement. An excitement that I can’t forget.  
Adrenaline flows throughout my body and I have it hard as we embrace and exult.  
He and I one in the arms of the other not to console each other because one of the two has won and one has lost, but because we are together, because we both won.  
I think like a shock to January, at his words in Australian Open, when he said he really wanted to share the award with me for once.  
Now we are here and share this victory together.  
Traumatic and upsetting.  
My head is off, I don’t think, I can’t. I know in a small part of me that I should, but it doesn’t restart my brain.  
So when we are under the showers it's a great thing we're not alone to wash because the changing rooms are in common with others, otherwise I would jump on him.  
I still feel the electricity inside, I can’t stop looking at him, talking exalted about that passage or other and spraying joy everywhere, it's so nice that I don’t even realize how much it’s sees how excited I am.  
We don't have the opportunity to be alone, because when we leave the dressing rooms we go to the conference. We have a half hour of questions, then the others are waiting for us to go to dinner together and it's still all too hot and euphoric.  
I can’t stop thinking, talking, Roger and I are on fire and we talk about past events together and everyone laughs, the atmosphere is cheerful and we're over the lines and it sees that this double is liked to us more than any other and I have to say that everyone liked it quite a lot.  
  
Only when we are finally in the bedroom, rather late, I realize that this excitement has not fallen for a moment and we are even brighter than ever.  
\- Finally alone! - Says Roger spontaneously just close the door behind us.  
\- It was beautiful, didn’t you? - I say, forgetting every private mess, every night before, every promise. Now I'm just Rafa the passionate tennis player who has played with one of his favorite players ever, the most loved person.  
\- First set and third were wonderful! Dream really! -  
he exclaims equally excited while he starts to take off his jacket and then his shoes.  
\- We managed to play well despite everything. It was the first time together, our styles are very different and we didn’t train, and then we were too excited and loaded, and after we calmed down too much. Then in the third we went back and everything went well. Think about playing an entire game that way! - I keep talking as fast as if I was doing by something.  
He laughs and opens the sweater by beginning to undress, but it's not like last night he was trying to seduce me. He has still the head on the match.  
\- I always thought about how to play with you. I can do things under the net with you behind my shoulders. It's the match I wanted since I realized you were a special person. - He says lowering the tone, makes him more persuasive and less excited and I shake my dreamy head.  
\- It has gone far beyond my most rosy expectations. I didn't think that playing with the person I always wanted was so beautiful. - Then I realize what I said, but now I'm out of control, he's surprised he stays with his shirt and his suit, he doesn't keep undressing and looks at me with an intriguing and inquisitive air. I understand why he does, since after the good speeches before the match it seemed that I wanted to distance myself. Instead, here we are and this is getting out of hand.  
\- Well, the dream has been lived, it's been fine, but it's finished now. I don’t know if we should do it again, especially for what it means for us to put together in a double. After all, we are not really so free ... - at this moment his 'I don’t want to ruin your expectations, baby’ fired at the conference, I remember with the same wave of excitement that left me at that moment. To the idea of not being able to be freely with him, I understand what I meant when I said I would not do anything again.  
No more euphoria, no excitement, I will never feel what I felt tonight at his side. The uncontaminated joy of being close to him, being on the same side, supporting each other, embracing us, creating tactics, doing things together. I will never feel it. It was all a single moment. Just like yesterday. Yesterday was the only night. One of the most beautiful. I will no longer be able to feel it because I decided not to, because I have commitments because I don’t want to hurt who I love that don’t deserve it. Even though I already hurt him. Although it may still be over. Even if giving up now is perhaps useless because I've already thrown it all away.  
I lose in his penetrating eyes, in his expression of expectation, in him still that doesn’t continue to undress and says nothing. Does nothing. He waits for me and sees the turbine that strikes me.  
He looks it very good.  
And while I see myself giving up all this, not living it anymore, choking, forgetting, pretending, as if it was not wonderful, just as I understand that I can’t do anything, something rebelled within me and cursing I go to front of him, rubbing his shirt violently, I push him while I kiss him and accompanying him to the bed. The mouths come together and blend, my tongue instantly invades him as if this needy urge is to explode.  
I was expecting it from all evening. Kissing him and touching again. After all the times during the match, that touches, those hands, those contacts. And then the hug, the final joy. Even that fool press conference where everyone was asking us to play together again and he who touched my fucking arm with every stupid apology. How much did we laugh at that conference?  
Everything and then nothing?  
I can’t do it.  
God, that madness. I can’t do it.  
I pull the shirt savagely and just as savagely I lower his pants and pull it out of the erection that I handle with heat, as I swallow his mouth and he finds hard to contain me. It seems I want to devour him.  
The need kills me, the need for him, to have him, to be taken.  
Oh, please, take me again. I have to feel you in me again. Just one.  
Please, please.  
Without saying anything, just panting, I lower my pants and boxers, and I go up on the four on bed, it's all fast, it's like getting on the roller coaster. You don't understand anything, you just know that you have the adrenaline to the stars and you can’t stop.  
It's spectacular.  
And it is he as he takes me by the hips and comes in to me. He makes me his and I sigh for this damn wrong relief.  
His hard erection inside me starts to move, with every push he goes most in and I go to meet him in this rhythm that is as perfect as we had in the match. Fast, unpredictable and before they could figure out who was answering, the point was already done.  
Quick. Me and him, one in the other, merged together to call us, to pick us up, to give us, to have us.  
To come.  
Fuck, I did it again. After telling me to try to do the right things even though I just got it wrong. I did the same thing again.  
I curse realizing it as I finish removing everything I wear and throwing exhausted on the bed, turning on the other side in fetal pose, my back to Roger.  
I'm one of the worst people in the world and the problem is I'm afraid that by now, every time I will see Roger, I will not be able to avoid it.  
Other than doing it once to get rid of obsession. With me doing it once is the end, because then I will not stop ever.  
I just destroyed two stories!  
In response to this my silent desperate cry, the light goes out, the blankets fall over me and then his warm arms wrap me from behind, his body gently adheres and his mouth kisses on my neck.  
He says nothing, there is nothing to say about.  
My head is empty, I'm in a panic, I'm desperate, I hate myself as I've never done and I have no idea how to deal with it and how to do it. Not even what to say. I don’t know anything, nothing.  
Just at the idea of giving up with Roger forever, at what I feel deeply for him, it panicked me.  
I was out of my way, completely. I know I don’t want to give up, but I didn’t even want to hurt Nole. I love him, I love Nole.  
I love him, right?  
Maybe I love them both. Can two people be loved simultaneously?ccompanying him to the bed. The mouths come together and blend, my tongue instantly invades him as if this needy urge is to explode.  
I was expecting it from all evening. Kissing him and touching again. After all the times during the match, that touches, those hands, those contacts. And then the hug, the final joy. Even that fool press conference where everyone was asking us to play together again and he who touched my fucking arm with every stupid apology. How much did we laugh at that conference?  
Everything and then nothing?  
I can’t do it.  
God, that madness. I can’t do it.  
I pull the shirt savagely and just as savagely I lower his pants and pull it out of the erection that I handle with heat, as I swallow his mouth and he finds hard to contain me. It seems I want to devour him.  
The need kills me, the need for him, to have him, to be taken.  
Oh, please, take me again. I have to feel you in me again. Just one.  
Please, please.  
Without saying anything, just panting, I lower my pants and boxers, and I go up on the four on bed, it's all fast, it's like getting on the roller coaster. You don't understand anything, you just know that you have the adrenaline to the stars and you can’t stop.  
It's spectacular.  
And it is he as he takes me by the hips and comes in to me. He makes me his and I sigh for this damn wrong relief.  
His hard erection inside me starts to move, with every push he goes most in and I go to meet him in this rhythm that is as perfect as we had in the match. Fast, unpredictable and before they could figure out who was answering, the point was already done.  
Quick. Me and him, one in the other, merged together to call us, to pick us up, to give us, to have us.  
To come.  
Fuck, I did it again. After telling me to try to do the right things even though I just got it wrong. I did the same thing again.  
I curse realizing it as I finish removing everything I wear and throwing exhausted on the bed, turning on the other side in fetal pose, my back to Roger.  
I'm one of the worst people in the world and the problem is I'm afraid that by now, every time I will see Roger, I will not be able to avoid it.  
Other than doing it once to get rid of obsession. With me doing it once is the end, because then I will not stop ever.  
I just destroyed two stories!  
In response to this my silent desperate cry, the light goes out, the blankets fall over me and then his warm arms wrap me from behind, his body gently adheres and his mouth kisses on my neck.  
He says nothing, there is nothing to say about.  
My head is empty, I'm in a panic, I'm desperate, I hate myself as I've never done and I have no idea how to deal with it and how to do it. Not even what to say. I don’t know anything, nothing.  
Just at the idea of giving up with Roger forever, at what I feel deeply for him, it panicked me.  
I was out of my way, completely. I know I don’t want to give up, but I didn’t even want to hurt Nole. I love him, I love Nole.  
I love him, right?  
Maybe I love them both. Can two people be loved simultaneously?


	5. Types of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are on the third day when Jesus is resurrected from the dead. Will Rafa be able to resuscitate, get back in line, do things for good or continue in this way of perdition and sin? The night may have brought clarity, or perhaps just more doubts and questions. But there is the last day to play and many things can still happen.

5\. TYPES OF LOVE  
  
His kisses awaken me with a sweetness that rises me, for a moment I smile while I forget everything.  
The guilty, who I should have behind me, who is, what happened, where am I.  
I just enjoy this wonderful awakening.  
I sigh, I keep my eyes closed, I smile blissfully and then I open my curled position, let me go behind my back, and lie down on me, pressing on him.  
I turn my head and with my eyes still closed I seek his mouth, kisses me light, just a sweet kiss on the tight mouth.  
Then he slides on my forehead and wraps my head against himself as I turn completely to his side, I cling to his naked and warm body under the duvet. Our skin finds refreshment joining so and I hide my face against his neck, his hands on my neck and my back.  
\- Good morning. - His low and hot voice makes it all real, he brings me back to a world where I remember I was embraced at Roger, where I betrayed Nole, where I cannot stop doing it.  
The first consistent thought is that a thing is dropped once with your forbidden erotic dream of ever. You always want him secretly, everyone has a forbidden dream that they never meet, but if they have the opportunity, they remove a whim. This doesn’t take away love from a companion.  
But another thing is to redo it and continue and pursue that wrong path.  
This is not a whim, a fall, a closing parenthesis to go on as usual.  
From this point I cannot really leave, I literally got bogged down.  
\- I'm in one of those messes that I don’t know how to unravel me ... - I say hoarse against his neck.  
\- Don' talk to me with that voice over my neck ... - He says ironically. I giggle and shake my head, I separated the need to look at him and ask him for the tenth time:  
\- But what are you going to do with Stan? Don’t tell me to let him choose and he already knows what we are doing! You can’t stop just like me. You came here, you did all this to take the obsession out of your head, to do it once and for all, and move on in your life beyond me. And instead we did it twice. And I bet we'll do it tonight! Don’t tell me it depends on Stan, because fuck, it all depends on us! - After sleep you see the brighter things and he shakes his head and gently puts his hand on my cheek, then mature and clear answers me:  
\- I came here to live you a hundred percent, only you, all the time I was here. I was aware of what we were doing, what would happen and how long it would take. And even Stan. And I don’t know honestly if he thinks he can really solve it with a revenge of the same caliber and start over again or if he will eventually leaves me, but you will come to a point in your life where you say enough. You cannot always do what you have for the role you have and you cannot fulfill all the roles you have. Lover, husband, father, public character. And when you are Roger? When you are yourself? When you can do one thing because you want it with all yourself even if it's wrong? I decided to take this thing and accept the consequences. - Sigh, I understand it well, he is worse than me in terms of roles and duties, I am limited to having Xisca for 'the public figure' but I will never marry her and never will have children and everyone knows and respect it . My family doesn’t question whether I really love her, it’s good for them. Point. For them just matter I’m happy. I don’ have any other roles, because Xisca knows.  
\- But didn’t you love Stan? What do you feel for him? I can’t place Nole in this whole story. I know what I feel for you, now more than ever. I've always felt it. You've become my idol first, then my rival, then a friend. I started wishing you when I realized that you were not an unattainable God, but a common person, great. When you came to me when you became my friend when you joked and talked to me. I have begun to desire you in all aspects, but I have always been restrained because you were Roger, anyway a divine component was always there, do you understand? - I lie on my back and keep staring at the ceiling as he stays on his side close to me, one hand on my breast caressing me gently. - I loved you first, then I wished you and now I've been able to love you in time, but you have always remained that unachievable dream because it started so, you know? Roger the unattainable. And even though I beat you in tennis, even though we were friends, even though there was the erotic tension ... I always stopped getting out of that step because you were ... well, you! Instead I was easier to approach Nole, it happened right away. Well, before I got clashed and I hated him so much, then he got to me and from hate we came to sex. It was an atomic explosion, you know? As I locked you for a thousand reasons, I relaxed with Nole ... with him ... with him it was all easier. He was at my level. -  
\- Do you love him? - He then asks after my long monologue. As you awake always speak more lucidly, it is as if your sleep illuminates you. In my case, I didn’t really light up, but put the situation on the floor with more ease.  
\- Yes, I love him. I love him so much. But I think there are so many types of love and so many feelings and situations. It is not just white or black. You don’t love one person and the others are nothing. There is not only a love and then the friends at various levels. There are loves of every level. Carnal, passionate, platonic, emotional, spiritual, mental love. But I don’t think we can love two people in the same identical way with the same intensity. -  
He raises a shoulder and nods, understanding what I say.  
\- No, I don’t think we can, you're right. There are many types of loves and situations, but there is also a sort of priority scale. A love is above the other however. You have to understand what this priority is. -  
I sigh in discomfort and shake my head, hiding my eyes under my fingers, panic returns with the usual ease.  
\- I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to understand it. I don’t know... -  
\- Stay calm, you don’t have to decide it now. I also need time to understand, but I cannot while I'm in bed or in the field with you. I have to get away from you and Stan, just stay on my own and understand. Understand well. - I nod as this prospect gives me a tremendous relief.  
Don’t have to understand it and decide now.  
\- It's impossible now. - I agree looking from below, he gently look at me and smiles.  
\- It's just impossible now. - he repeat. Let's little silently to look at us, to rethink what we have done and what has happened, to what will happen today.  
\- Last day. - I say how to incite me.  
\- An entire day. - He stresses. How long can it be 24 hours long?  
Tomorrow morning I wake up, I'll put my suitcases and I'll go and it'll be all in no time. It’ll be all different.  
Maybe we will close all this for real, maybe these 3 days should have been lived as he says, because one can’t always do what he must, he must do what he wants even if is wrong for a thousand reasons. Sometimes you have to fall into the deeper and instinctive part of you. I know it well because in that part I have fallen many times. He didn’t, for him he was the first.  
Finally he smiles again and relaxes me with his usual magical power.  
He closes his eyes and what the fuck, the kiss tastes on our sleep, but it doesn’t matter. That's fine.  
A whole day to satisfy ourselves definitively and then try to make that famous things right.  
Try at least. And to understand if we want it anyway, after all.  
Do We Love Our Companions? Yes, but how? At what level?  
We don’t have to answer now.  
  
The rest of the day we’re a couple who pretends to be rivals who pretends to be friends. It is a somewhat contorted situation, but at some point we send everything to the hell and we just keep getting together as we did for the rest of the time.  
There are times when we meet in common events or in tournaments and we make rival prizes, we are restrained because we know the roles we cover and we stick to the script. Everyone knows we get along and we like each other, but we are still rival. So we can’t do certain things.  
But this is different, we are teammates, we must not remember the role of rivals. Here we can be relaxed at one hundred percent.  
And we are, in fact.  
If there were any doubts about the truth of our relationship, it’s now clear that we serious getting along.  
We love us and we are not to hide it ...  
While others play, I train and warm me up and Roger takes advantage of training with me, so between a match and the other, we're here to talk but not about us.  
\- So I was close to Domi before, and I started to talk and finally he relaxed and started to confide. He told me he had never seen tennis as pure fun, but as a duty. I told him to ‘enjoy the privileges associated at tennis, because no one forbids you to be friend with other players on the circuit and forget this stupid rivalry. If you are a Sascha friend you don’t have to hide it and there is nothing wrong with it, enjoy it, have fun with him! Practicing high level tennis with a friend-rival is the most beautiful thing, I know something! '-  
\- Did you really tell him that? - I'm surprised. He nods satisfied while we shot with the rackets one at the other in this covered space at our disposal, though it is a bit limited.  
\- Sure! -  
\- So you told him that you and I are rival but also friends and so it is better to do tennis? -  
\- I told him it's better to do tennis if you have fun with someone who does your same life! - I cover my face with a hand and he laughs with pleasure, pulling a ball to me on purpose.  
\- It’s true and you know it! Those two are in worship! They have to understand the secret joys of tennis! -  
\- But there is Nick too! Sascha is attracted to Nick and then you said they did something, right? How do you know about it? - I'm looking him irritated that him knows so many things.  
\- Eh, I have my spies! -  
I pull the ball on him as he did, but stronger, I took his ass and he laughs like a child.  
\- Jack knows everything! -  
Jack Sock is one of Nick's best friends with Kokkinakis. Just that Kokkinakis may wants other things from Nick and he’s jealous while Jack is just a friend and he doesn’t want anything from Nick. At least this is the idea I did by observing them. And to say I hate gossip, think if I loved it like Roger!  
\- And you did talk him. -  
\- I didn’t work a lot to make him talk ... - Let's go to laugh and talk about them all the time and the atmosphere rejoices, I feel a teenage idiot, but it's the effect that Roger does to me. I don’t know how he does to lower the level of those around him. Then he looks serious and wise, if they see how gossiping he is.  
  
After this training I change and concentrate and he gives me the last tips for my match, when in the field he remains here to prepare himself for what should be after me.  
\- Don’t worry about winning or losing, I'm there. I’m on it in any case! - I smile and shake my head.  
\- Little modest, huh? - He pushes me as I go out, but at last he stops me in the dressing room where we are not recorded and at this moment we are alone, he clings to my shoulder and he blocks me for a moment, making me shiver and deconcentrate:  
\- It's not to say I'm better than you, I know that playing with having to win at all costs otherwise the team loses is not easy. Play relaxed, however is not all lost! - The tournament is taking strange folds in reality, mathematically the opposing team can still win and in fact if I don’t win now, Roger is forced to win his not to go out with a double extra. And everyone knows who would choose the double extra.  
The idea of another double together terrorizes me and excites me crazy.  
\- Don’t make me strange ideas. - He laughs and sticks his mouth to my ear, then low and whispers persuasive:  
\- If you want, you can lose on purpose, I'll do the same thing and we'll do another double together. The choice is yours! - He lick my ear and I turn to him, brushing his mouth with mine for a breath, fortunately there is no one, but the agitation and excitement goes to the stars.  
\- You're an asshole, what do you think of me now ... how do I concentrate on the match? Idiot! - I reproach him convinced. - I play to win, always, I don’t count! Do I lose on purpose? Even if the stake is tempting I will never do it, but why the hell should you point out that we have the chance to play together again? You're sneaky! Put me in the mess with my head now! You will see that I play badly, it will only be your fault! - He laughs again, always laughs this idiot! It's never serious!  
In the end he kisses me suddenly while I insulting him and this relaxes me and distracts me even more.   
The last hours together. Well, we still have so many in front, I hope we will celebrate all night together for victory.  
This big imbecile what the fuck did to me? And now who plays?  
  
I didn’t even predict it!  
Lose against Isner I'm as irritated as ever, I always hate to lose but today it is even worse than usual because Roger and I are the stars of the tournament and are called to be exceptional and everyone is waiting for us and if I was winning now I handed the cup to the team, to Roger.  
His hand on my shoulder clamps and takes me to the locker room.  
\- You don’t take it, it's just you didn’t have me in the bench to fancy you like the other times! - When he says it seriously and convinced, for a moment I look at him frowning without realizing whether he is stupid or what. Then I see him giggling and I understand he's stupid and I give to him a nudge.  
\- You’re an asshole! - I grumble when he closes the door behind him and before Isner comes to change, before he's called for the next match, he takes my cheeks and presses a kiss on my mouth.  
\- I'll give you the cup! - So laugh and the irritation for defeat passes. I give to him a kick as he goes out and say:  
\- Better I don’t wash me, I think that after I have to play the double with you! - Because it's already been decided that the double if they were equalize, we would do it Roger and I. Although we have both played a single, he is about to do it now, but it was decided so.  
His cheerful laughter accompanies me as he goes out, I shake my head and drop the bags in my corner, against the wall of my team.   
It is so nature. That's why I like him. It's wonderful.  
I look at the phone for a moment and relax before I leave, meanwhile Isner goes in and starts washing. Obviously I don’t know if it is wise to wash, not by the way, but if theoretically there is a double chance what sense it has to do now?  
I scroll messages, read and reply.  
Nole has not yet become alive after the first day. It is as if he understood. Maybe he was expecting me to live for the first and the fact that I didn’t make him understand that I have combined something. Which then is so. But I was expecting him to call me because I honestly don’t know how to behave with him, I wouldn’t know if trying to hide it, would be useless because I'm an open book.  
The fact that he didn't call helped me, but I know it's not a solution, indeed.  
This silence between us is terrible, the worst.  
I obscure myself and for a moment Roger's laughter makes me feel better.  
When I look at his social profile of twitter and IG, I regret bitterly.  
I'm not one much behind social, I use them every now and then.  
Roger among other things used it only to share things with me, me too, I couldn’t avoid myself from putting our selfie after the double win. It was an experience in the eyes of the world, I couldn't publish anything.  
Perhaps in that pic I felt too happy?  
But when I look at Nole's profile, I regret it.  
He put a picture with Jelena in the early days together, hugging her and he cherishes her big love 12 years ago.  
That vomit.  
Great love what that has always been the facade girl? And then just because the parents wanted to, because he was a famous tennis player, because he wanted to be a father ... but go to fuck. They don’t make the anniversary now, it didn’t need it now, damn!  
It did exactly when I put selfie with Roger, just after the day that killed him with jealousy. And instead of calling me and wondering if something happened or not, he decided that I did it and that he had to start revenge!  
Because that's what he's doing!  
Don’t talk to me, get revenge right away!  
And if I had not do anything?  
Well, I called him immediately telling him. I didn’t call.  
Okay, Rafa, you know you're guilty, that doesn’t mean that Nole did well.  
What are you talking about? The least is to look for some revenge.  
He knows that I hate Jelena, the slightest is that he looks in love even though I know he isn't at all.  
Deep, very deep nauseating.  
But in the end he’s the one in the reason, look what I'm doing to him. After that, what do I think to do?  
To go tell him 'yes I betrayed you because it was something now or never, but anyway I think I love you too, I just love even Roger and I don’t know what love is stronger and more important'.  
Let's go. If you are honest Rafael, let him go and you’ll manage and burn in your nothingness.  
You know that's the right thing.  
Maybe not even Roger then goes with me, maybe he then chooses to try again with Stan or see how it will go and you, poor jerk, you've taken a stupid whim for nothing.  
For three days.  
Three wonderful unforgettable days that I know I would regret not to take full advantage. But only three days in my life.  
Only three.  
It's ironic in the end.  
You literally spend a whole life doing the right things, refusing the greatest temptations, to keep it hard. Then drop once, one. Well, technically 2, maybe 3, but actually it is once.  
And it's all over. All. We just remember the fall, not a life of right things.  
That's always the case, maybe it's just because in this way we can avoid mistake again and grow, mature, become better men.  
I sighed by closing the phone. I don’t know what's going to happen to Nole and I and not even  Roger and I come out of here. I know that for now I'm still here, with him, and now I've decided to live this 3-day dream, probably this one parenthesis.  
Let's go ahead and enough.   
  



	6. Don't release the beast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we are in the end, there is the last match, that of Roger, who could deliver the victory of the tournament to his team and Rafa becomes the boss of his fans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rafa is one who loves team competitions and becomes a big fan supporting his teammates, but what he does during the match for Roger is something incredible. Mostly then how he celebrates it. That Rafa doesn’t drink during the tennis season is true, but it is also true that after Leaver Cup everyone have celebrated drinking and spraying champagne. And it is also true that when Rafa celebrates, he completely loses control. There are in fact some videos where he dances and makes the fool with all his friends at a Davis Cup party in Spain. In conclusion. Rafa hides sides to enjoy. Here I wanted to use Nick, even Domi. The next is the last chapter.  
> I hope to have done a decent translation...

 

 

 [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal43.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal28.gif)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal29.gif)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal41.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal42.3.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal48.png)[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal44.png)

 

Being on the bench is like going out of a bubble, or going into another.  
I watch him playing and everything goes ok. It's like a medicine.  
I don’t care about anything, my stupid defeat, the problems with Nole, my mistakes, and what's going to be out of here.  
I don’t care again, there is only Roger playing and me incited him as crazy, like if it’s the most important trophy of all time!  
It's just a tournament like a show, actually. You win a trophy and money, but it is not an official tournament.  
Anyway I'm here to do Roger's boss ultras, jump, yell, incitement, and when he comes to the bench in the game's various changes I jump and I give him the hand or I give him advice as a coach when not even Borg, the real coach, doesn’t say so much.  
And Roger gives me a attention and answers me!  
I don’t even realize that I'm totally in another way and the world is watching.  
I mean, me doing Roger cheerleaders, I train him and give advice. I jump like a crazy!  
I love team competitions, I take it, my passionate Spanish side comes out, but with Roger here I go far beyond the passion for the teams!  
But I can’t stop me. It's just the nicest thing in my life, to be here today to fancy him as I always wanted.  
Cheer on freely for him, advise him, to incite him.  
It’s a liberating feeling, indeed. It makes me feel free, free as I have never been, free to be who I am and who I want in the deep.  
I wish this moment would go on forever. I can be who I am really in front of the world.  
The match against Nick is very bright because the guy pulls out his best, play as I always hope to see and for a moment is a real danger that Rog and I play double together. I never could, Roger too, but we would do anyway if we have.  
But I'm here to fancy and he is there to give his best with a seriousness and enthusiasm that I don’t think even he believes possible. Perhaps seeing me so caught and thrown pushes him as a crazy, to believe it, to fight.  
And this makes it special when he wins.  
It's an instant I will not forget. I know what I do, I know that's not the case, I can’t stop me.  
Just Nick's answer goes against the net and Roger takes the point of victory, Roger's first thing is to turn around and look my eyes, at the same moment I jump and, always jumping, I run down from our box while he is run to me.  
And nothing, I continue to jump.  
On him who takes me in arms and we cling us as if we were teammates forever and this was not a cup of the world ... could be the cup of the century, I don’t know!  
Fuck I jumped on him! A fact is a couple of hugs after the double, another is this!  
I slide while he drops me down, but I hold my arm around his neck and the others hugging us right away, soon we get everyone in a hug group to jump together and everything is just as it should be.  
Remembering it now is an impossible thing and I decide to enjoy this privilege.  
Today we are companions, who cares about the rest?  
Not even the three times played in pairs with Nole, two for exhibition and the other in a official double, I felt like now. We were doing very nice actions and we jumped chest to chest, some hug style yesterday with Roger, normal hugs I mean.  
But this thing to jump like a monkey I never did.  
I was out, completely out.  
I thought 'my love has won'.  
Lucky I didn’t say it!  
But he was looking for me, he came to me, he grabbed me.  
It was one of the most unconscious moments of my life. And more beautiful.  
  
Later is a messy swirl where I desperately seek to keep control of me, but without great results.  
I feel that I could do some madness from one moment to the other because I know very well my instinct, which is to kiss Roger in front of everyone.  
I would like to engulf him, tell everyone that I love him and that is mine but I know that it is the fault of the adrenaline flowing in me, it is not me, it is as if I was drunk.  
I make a deadly effort to contain everything and I have to say that I can’t do well with Roger who sticks at me whenever he can, as if he only thought about taking every inch of me. Whether we are alone or in company don’t care!  
  
The sober celebrations in the field end in our room where we bring the cup and we find lots of champagne bottles to celebrate.  
\- Oh God I can’t survive! - I'm spontaneous. Roger laughs and feels that I'm just trying to keep a light appearance, but such semblance is very labile and little is needed.  
It begins with the usual selfies, then Roger takes the situation literally in hand and orders the bottleneck, grabs one and he comes close, I don’t make time to say 'but you're sure' that opens it and happy as a child he splash.  
My face is all a program, I don’t keep disgusted grimace and run away with no virility. Between corks and chorus I end up fucking wet in the center of the alcohol splash.  
\- I smell like a distillery! - I'm not happy about this!  
\- Oh come on, I know that when it's time to party you don’t pull back! - Tomas says. Fuck he's worse than a gossip king!  
\- Well, celebrate the Davis Cup or the big and difficult victories ... - I try to protect me, but it's not easy because then Roger starts putting the bottles in the cup because he wants drinking from graal now.  
\- Most important of this ... - Tomas says. - From how you jumped on him and from all the cheer you made I said it was more than important and difficult! It was the victory of your life! - He’ evil and I raise my eyes to heaven.  
\- I love to celebrate, especially when I have no tournaments in next days, the problem is that I know if I start then I lose me and I don’t find myself anymore! -  
\- I think what you lose is the dignity to judging from the videos that are about your celebrations ... - I open my eyes and I shoot a pinch at his side, he laughs, but fortunately Roger takes the attention seizes the Laver Cup and begins to drink from there a little champagne poured in front of the eyes of the unbelieving of all who have never known Roger's infantile side. Well guys, you will now know a Roger who will never go to the history books of tennis!  
The ovation starts, it also ends up spilling over a bit of alcohol, stops drinking and everyone applauds and laughs, then in turn drink everyone, even the young.  
C’mon, not young people!  
They are small! Sascha and Domi would not be the case!  
\- But maybe you should give yourself a set ... - I say seeing how much they drink.  
\- Oh, as if you were not the party king! Go, free the beast! - With this Roger gives me a slap on the ass.  
\- And how everyone knows that? -  
\- That you are Spanish? - He asks ironically.  
\- No, that if I start I don’t stop me anymore! - laughs and whistles and then Roger puts a cup in my hand.  
\- Stop losing time! - And with that I drink.  
Oh fuck... by then we are dancing!  
After I drink I grim, because in reality I don’t like alcohol, I like to party. It's different.  
It doesn’t affect me immediately. For a moment it's still normal.  
 - But if I don’t eat something ... where is the food? - I turn around and try to eat, but unfortunately there is nothing and I end up with an arm around my neck and another bottle in my mouth. I don’t make time to refuse that I drink. And what should I do, choke?  
Then Roger gives me a break, but in return he gives me a kiss on my cheek.  
\- Do you think we will be able to hold a conference right now? -  
\- It will take a couple of minutes, then there is the tournament closing party as usual and there we will eat. At that point you can destroy you! -  
I look at him as though he were stupid.  
\- You're talking about yourself, maybe! - He laughs and comes back with my arm around my neck and mischievous touches my ass in front of everyone, I stare him as if he was crazy.  
\- Oh dear, I know how much you can have fun and you cannot resist ... -  
I don’t know if alcohol begins to make a difference, or if the splash of other bottles open but fuck, if they don’t stop I drown them into that fucking cup of champagne!  
Tournament cup, not champagne. Full of champagne. Fuck, I'm gone, my thoughts hang on.  
\- Well, some music? - And here I am!  
\- Hold on for later, they are calling us for the conference! - Roger says, leaving me with another touch of my fucking ass.  
\- What? Do you first light me up and then turn me off? - And thanks to the sky I didn’t say 'before you seduced me and then leave me!'  
\- Of course we smells seriously! - Notice someone, Roger agrees.  
\- It's going to do a shower later. - Then he looks at me. - Everyone! - I mute my mouth and his eyes are well masked behind that fake face, for this I redo the slap to his ass as he did with me.  
If I don’t lose my dignity this time, will be a miracle. But maybe for that there is yet nothing to do.  
  
Barely I’m in myself and I understand what's happening, euphoria begins to dig, the one that make me lose control. I'm sitting lucky not close to Roger, he's the one who speaks more than anybody, they also talk to others, I also hear my voice coming out of my mouth, I hope to say right things.  
I only know that Roger orders a group shower and I, in the corridor, exclaim:  
\- Yeah, let's go make this orgy under the shower and then go and eat, I'm starving! - With this everyone laughs and I don’t understand what I said. Then Roger brightly illuminated me:  
\- You said we were about to make an orgy! - But I shake my head.  
\- I know what I said, I just told to hurry that I'm hungry! -  
He really has fun at this point.  
\- Rafa, you said orgy! -  
\- Eh yeah you said so! - Others arrive, they are also amused.  
\- Oh well, what will be an orgy in the shower after a win? - I say at this point convinced, the hilarity bursts and fortunately we don’t make an orgy, but actually we all smells of alcohol and then we take advantage to wash.  
My idea was to get back in me with the water, maybe get stuck in a corner with Roger and pull it for long to stay a while he and me alone, but it ends up being kind in the chaos center, and I don’t know how, but it starts a call from my cellphone and it’s hear one of Enrique's songs, fortunately not that of Nole. Now I couldn’t.  
But do you stop dancing in the shower, ugly stupid?  
You hear Enrique and you don’t understand a fuck, you're indecent, Rafa!  
  
And indecent I'm in the hall.  
All well dressed by gala as usual, my hair combed good as I take a century to make them stand, we all seemingly healthy as fish.  
It starts pretty well, the shower has helped me, I am eating healthy things and Roger's constant closeness is reassuring. For the moment we don’t have other glasses in hand. I look distractedly Sascha talking to Nick, he seems to comfort him or compliment, I don’t know.  
There are a lot of people among the invited and attending and different organizers and friends, the lights are not too strong and in some places you may also be a little in the shade, a little quiet in short.  
Well dressed waiters go with food and drink trays.  
I think Nick is doing his move with Sascha after he has been jealous for three days, I see them disappearing, a smile comes up in my face and I have the stupid idea of accepting the glass that Roger's puts me in hand.  
I drink to the health of a couple who are losing their lives, they are so young and cute. They will give us so many joys!   
But then I remember Domi and I see him serious and sad in the distance, so let go Roger who is the usual king of the situation and put a strange arm around the boy's back.  
\- Do not take it! - Domi jump and looks surprised without understanding.  
\- About what? - But now my glass is almost empty and the effect of before champagne returns to good recovery.  
\- Sascha is young, he has ideas confused, but it is not said eventually he will chooses Nick. You should be more determined and explicit, maybe Sascha didn’t understand that you like him! - When Domi understands what I'm talking about, becomes a thousand colors, I laugh and I pinch a cheek embracing him.  
\- Take, get on! You will see that it will be all clear! -  
Domi takes the glass that fortunately I was already finishing while I took another one for me.  
\- We should not drink, I think. -  
\- No, but when important tournaments end, and then you have no others, you can afford one night. And then just eat and don’t drink twenty glasses in a row ... - I start talking and saying things I would never say. Well, that's late.  
\- No, but you see ... is that I think that what you have in your hand is thirty... - He says kindly, trying not to offend me, sincerely impressed by what I am doing and by this my version.  
\- You have to understand that there are also these aspects of tennis. You have to know how to handle it, but if you don't enjoy a hard win, why do you have to make a win? There is not only a winning for itself, you have to enjoy that feeling. Do you hear? - And then someone has the unfortunate idea to start with the music, a DJ in one corner starts with a Latin song that went from summer.  
\- The music? - Domi asks me for a while.  
\- No. I meant the euphoria of victory. But also the music! Hear what a beautiful, you have dance! I'm company to you, don’t think about Sascha. Then just try with more insistence! Or look for someone else to revenge! -  
Ah the story of revenge devours me!  
Before I realize I'm dancing. I'm not really drunk, but not even healthy. I'm in the middle of it that I could still hold back and recover my face, but I can’t avoid letting go with the music and thankfully Domi at one point is replaced by Roger.  
\- I'll give you the change! - He laughs.  
You laugh stupid man!  
I find myself in his arms dancing in the crowd.  
\- Explain this, now! You and me dancing together! -  
I grumble to his ear.  
\- But we're not dancing! - I'm corrugated.  
\- Uh, we’re not? -  
I separated and in fact we were just hugging.  
\- Ah well, it will be more normal to be hugged so then! -  
\- It could be, we won, we congratulate again ... -  
I shake my head and I do the polemic middle finger.  
\- You first bring on and then you're not ready to accept the consequences. Do you want to know something? I want to party, because this is what a Spaniard does when he wins something important and beautiful. You wanted it, here I am! The really funny thing is that you can’t dance with me because otherwise what you explain it to everyone? -  
With this I slide out of his arms and I mix to the crowd who swallows me. In a moment I don’t know where I am, I'm with someone in the middle of the the dances, I think I'm the first to start and at some point I find myself go to the bathroom, always dancing.  
I meet Nick holding me up before I fall.  
When he sees I'm amazed and lights up, he seemed to have a three feet long face, so I would give him an innocent slap on his cheek and laugh.  
\- Why so serious? I thought it was all right with Sascha! - My mouth moves but I don’t really know what I'm saying.  
The music from outside comes strong enough, but I think we are just alone in this bathroom and he looks at me knowing that I'm not entirely in me. Maybe not at all.  
\- What do you know about Sascha? - I laugh and I pee, he places himself in the sink and waits for me.  
\- More than you think I know and that I should probably know. Roger's and Jack's fault anyway. - Then I end up with the needs and go to the sink, right where he is. Not on purpose. He is leaning with his nice ass and I wash my hands in the nearby one.  
In this starts Ricky Martin and I, closing my eyes, relax with a pleasing euphoric air.  
 - He's beautiful! - I'm excited to move my damned ass in the damn typical way a spanish usually moves his damn ass when he hears some damn Latin music.  
I don’t notice it right away, after a little Nick stares me shocked. Shocked is little to say. He is paralyzed and sets me close to me and I laughingly raise my arms by turning on myself in front of him.  
I think I'm flirting with him because the other day he has tried with me and because when I drink I'm physically and maniac.  
\- You drank? I thought I would never see you over the lines! - And a grin on his fleshy mouth.  
\- It is fault of the combination of Ricky Martin, champagne and party. I don’t like champagne, but it does this effect to me. And then Ricky and the parties ... eh, I'm Spanish, I love them! - but I don’t really know what the hell I'm doing, otherwise I would not.  
At this precise moment I literally left so much that he leaves the sink, takes my hips with his hands and adheres to the pelvis to my famous ass that is probably usually noticed for its accentuated and perfect shape. Sort now that I move that way. I stand still and turn my head resting on him, indeed he is attached to me. His hands on my hips, his pelvis against me.  
\- You have an erection. - I emphasize. He giggles satisfied and excited as I think he could not imagine that at the end of this weekend, something for him could go in the right direction.  
\- It’s your merit. - With this his lips end fast on mine, before I can think and understand.  
I really can’t, in fact. But at a later moment I quit, just when it comes to putting the tongue. Shake my head and move one step forward.  
\- No, it's not the case...- Nick raises a surprised eyebrow.  
\- It's not the case? Why? For Nole? - I remember he knows everything and sighs turning to him, shaking my head and rubbing my face, now the confusion falls on me as the fog does its.  
\- No, he ... well ... well I'm messed up with Nole now, but I don’t know what we are because ... well, but this is not the point, it's not the case - ... I'm trying to say something convincing and meaningful, but he approaches me, takes my face in his hands, and murmurs slowly.  
\- I like who I like, I have someone I hope to have with me one day. But in spite of everything, there you are. And you always have priority over everything and everyone. - This phrase makes my eyes wide open, both physically and figuratively. It's as if he was tossing a tile on my head. Fuck is like this!  
I have Nole, I love him, I have the story with him. And there is Roger. For me, he will always have a privileged place, a place of honor. However, he will have priority! That's it! I can have my stories, but if Roger knocks, I'll always open. My weak point, my exception, my parenthesis.  
As I have the epiphany of the century that lights up in the middle of this slaughter, he comes back to kiss me and this time caresses me with his tongue, this sends me in the fire and I shudder. It's just a nice kiss, but with the wrong person.  
Shake my head again, close my eyes frowned and I lean my forehead to his while hands are on his chest.  
\- No, I can’t, really. I'm in a mess I don’t know if I'll ever get out of it. But apart from this, what you feel for me is not what I feel. You kiss me because you like me and I'm ... your obsession? - I open my eyes, asking for confirmation, we look closely and I separate my forehead from his, keeps me still for waist to himself. He has a dark and intense look. Very beautiful and penetrating. - And I would kiss you for a pleasant moment, in a moment of madness where I am not completely in me. - He always smiles in that strange, hot-looking way, he looks like a panther about to attack.  
\- It is more than good ... - It is still to do so when I reject him more firmly. I can’t seriously mess myself much more. A point is Roger, a point is anyone else. I would not have excuses, if Roger was a one.  
As soon as we are separated by a few, the door opens and turns with my heart in scared frustration. When I focus on Roger I feel even worse.  
His gaze to see Nick with his hands on my hips I think is the most unforgettable thing about my moment of deadly folly.  
Hardness and jealousy are absolute, they are the looks that just see them you piss in. And I've never seen that on him. Never.  
I shudder and excite me. It's a moment, a moment that will remain engraved forever.  
Nick shifts away, he realizes that the things between us are really more messed up than he knows, he raises his hands in the form of apologies and, as if he has had a stratosphere trouble, goes on his toes, in silence, conscious.


	7. All for three fairytale days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Laver Cup is now over, missing a couple of hours of night and morning and then the story has gone totally. It remains to be determined whether those three days were worth it. Waste all, two stories just for three days? For a challenge, an obsession, a gigantic unresolved question? And then? Rafa is troubled by this, but Roger doesn't seems to think about it. When he gets into the bathroom and sees Nick in intimate attitudes toward a Rafa not much in himself, his frozen reaction is a big shock.

 

[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/fedal/fedal45.png) 

 

The door closes behind him, he stays in front of me for a moment, and I stand in the middle of the bathroom with an unbelieving air, a raised eyebrow.  
Holding. Shake my head in the sign of 'well?' A little provocative.  
I've been impressed with his ice-glance, but it is also true that he has not right. And then what did he think after all he did to light me up? To hold me, check me out? What?  
I like parties, so I try not to drink even a few, because I'm go out immediately and then I'm not stopping. But he can’t forget who we are and that we are not alone.  
The problem is this.  
It was a beautiful dream, but we are Rafa and Roger, we aren’t two common people in a complicated situation.  
We will never be free to do what we want. Never.  
I'm silent and standing, waiting, awkward and provocative, also bothered by everything. He does, organizes, creates things to have what he wants and then he is unable to withstand the consequences.  
It's nice to be together, but we're not really free to do it.  
And then when we get out of here it's gonna be all over.  
In response, Roger turns and locks the door, I stay surprised and shake my head raising my finger as he approaches.  
\- No, that will not be so! Don’t fuck in a dingy bathroom! - He stands amazed at my firm position.  
\- Who says I want to do it here? - He asks less sustained and cold than before.  
\- Oh, the air with which you were attacking looked like a fiery beast! What else would you do if you didn’t fuck me hard? - My tongue speaks beyond the control of my brain. This is also his fault. He tore me too much.  
Roger comes to me and I step back to keep a safe distance, but he doesn’t stop until I'm in the sink where we were before Nick and I. I support myself with the seat and he stops in front of me, motionless, a few inches apart, the air is still tough.  
\- What do you want to do, Rafa? Is it enough that one try with and for you is okay? Is it enough that you are not in yourself? What are you doing?- For a moment I'm laughing, but then it get up my nerve, the dangerous one, my typical nerve that makes me start in the fourth and devastate everything.  
\- You cannot come and talk to me, you know! You're not my boyfriend! You pulled on 3 days of organized tournaments a whole year, just to fuck me! You couldn’t come to my house and tell me hey I want to try it, you go? Seriously know what you did? You revolutionized my life that I was barely standing on, now it's all a mess and I don’t know what to think, what to do, what ... what the fuck we are! And you come and act like my boyfriend just for a fuck or two? When we get out of here we'll always be Rafa and Roger, you've created a fairy tale to deceive ourselves on something that is not true, it can’t be our reality. What do you need now? Will we go to the room, will we make the last big fuck and then? And then what? All right, each for his streets to solve their own messes, if we succeed! You are selfish! You did all the fuck you wanted, you did all that fuck you thought! You wanted me and you got me and the rest didn’t count. Now you behave as if I were yours, but it isn’t, we are always the ones who couldn't touch the other day, only now we are in a big mess! If I want to fuck with who I want, who the hell are you to prevent it? -  
At the end of my provocative and excited vent, he explodes as I didn’t think I could hear him, he takes my face with one hand, holding my cheeks with fingers in a typical manner as a master, almost. It melts and warms me up immediately.  
Then with a furious look and a low penetrating voice, close to my face, murmurs:  
\- I'm the person who loves you in madness and wants to have you forever in every way! - Needless to say that my erection is rising immediately. His eyes burn, his mouth presses on mine, takes mine between his, sucks and I close my eyes abandoning myself.  
The idea that he command me so, that he do me with bullying is killing me.  
\- I'm mad at the idea of not being able to go beyond this, I would... damn it, I want to shout it to the world, get out in hand with you and tell everyone that you are just mine and that I just want you for me and that anyone who thinks to have any right on you, anyone who has a story must go to the hell. You are mine, only mine! I would like a fairytale story that I will never have and I knew, damn, I knew it couldn’t go beyond what we had. But the same if I didn’t, if I had not had even only this, I would be seriously gone, I couldn’t do it anymore. -  
I gasp without he touches me because I'm excited to die. My hands leave the basin to which they were held up and I cling to his shirt, his mouth on mine, his eyes shaken upset, I murmur:  
\- You have upset the existences for this unrealistic dream, a dream that has opened and closed in these three days. Three days for our whole life. And you got us upset. We will not be able to return to the lives of first as anything. You don’t know what you did. You have no idea. You're just a selfish cursed! And now you want to control everything! - my tight teeth, fatigue, anger, despair and tears because I live all this way, to the unbelievable power, uncontrolled. That open book that Nole has read very well.  
Everything Roger never knows will be and will never be. That unreadable face, that insurmountable mask that lives one thing and does another.  
I understand that my tears come down because his lips dries and drinks it.  
\- I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Forgive me. But I didn’t do better, I couldn’t resist. I am selfish, I was a selfish cursed. But I prefer to have life disturbed for three days that we will not live anymore, rather than have never enjoyed it. I've had you for me as I've always wanted, I'm glad to have done it even if I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. -  
Always with my eyes closed I turn my head toward his mouth, my open looking for his that is like mine. We find to blind, breathe, take us. The tongues go by and I think I keep crying because I don’t want he stops. It didn’t have to go this way. I didn’t have to give up this way, throw myself into this alternative reality.  
I can’t do it, I can not.  
The heat of his tongue against mine, our sealed lips, the kiss explodes like every instinct and need. Desperate and febrile I open my pants, he understands and does just as easily separating from me. The need exploded, the desire to take, to have us. That need is impossible to handle.  
No reasoning to hold, just an urgent need.  
Frantic I turn myself separating by his mouth, I lower the pants and the boxers a bit and I bend forward by clamping the edge of the sink, he takes his erection and as he is without even preparing in any way, with a definite stroke he comes in and is right in me.  
The pain stiffens me for a moment, he stays in for a moment, then begins to move. He takes me by the hips, finally begins with the strong pushes. One stronger than the other.  
I bend me most forward, in a moment it's all boiling and I'm so excited that I don't understand anything anymore, every sense is mixed and gone crazy and I'm moan on the music coming from outside. Me and him joint in a single entity, one last probable time, perhaps penultimate, who knows.  
I can’t think of anything other than just is a big mess and I can’t see a solution.  
We are lovers, we are two famous people, rivals for more. We have so many of those roles, so many of those things to ride.  
And now we are lost one in the other, I shout and give every part of me, shaking as never before. He takes me strong, sure, determined and so virile.  
I don't even know who comes before, but our orgasms fill us in this strange, beautiful day, where we find ourselves really exhausted and without force.  
Embraced, he from behind, I straight up against him, my head resting on his shoulder, pounding together, his lips on my cheek.  
Unable to talk, to move.  
Then, after I don’t know how much, I turn my head and find his mouth. I leave mine on his without doing anything, we enjoy the softness of our lips together. Our flavors mingle over, our tongues join in an extremely sweet and exhausted kiss.  
\- I don’t know what we will be doing tomorrow, if we will somehow come back as we are now or if it will never be again. I don’t know if we have ever destroyed our worlds and we have to create another, and if this is the better, it will be what we have never dared to implement. I don’t know. I just know that I love you and if I didn’t ... God, I would be sorry for sure. Thanks for giving it to me. -  
And I don’t know how he always finds the right words.  
I open my eyes confused and tired, I smile guilty of being happy to have done it anyway. A hand on his cheek.  
\- You know I've always loved you. You know I'd always do whatever you asked me to do. It's always been up to you. Always. And you always knew it. - And when I tell him I understand that is so.  
It had never been an I that denied to him because he was unattainable or ‘too much'.  
It had always been he who had never dared surrender to me for some reason.  
\- You're devastating, Rafa. You shock those who touch. Are you something ... I don’t know ... a force of nature ... I always had the fear of not being able to handle you and I have to, I have to manage every aspect of my life to perfection. And you're unmanageable. - I look at him from this position, always leaning against his chest, arms folding gently, my head on his shoulder, and now watching us closely, his lips talking brushing.  
I find his hands on me, I twist our fingers.  
\- We have to settle our messes, see what is right to do and try to do it in the best way. Then we'll see the rest. - And in this I leave everything open. I think for him, accustomed to controlling everything, leaving this all open is even worse. Panic in his eyes for a moment. Perhaps he preferred that I put a point, a decision.  
\- You opened a jar that wasn’t open, now we have to handle the disasters that came out. - Roger does a funny smile, but then he kisses me again.  
\- I knew from the first day that I saw you, that you were different. I knew it. That you would have shocked me. That's why I've always done everything to keep it under control standing away from you. - I burst out laughing and I turn around in his arms to put mine around his neck, I lay to him and he clutches me in this way like boyfriends.  
\- In the end we can’t escape from the fate, perhaps ... - He smiles at the same, then shrugs and with his typical vague air that doesn’t make you understand what he thinks, he says,  
\- Oh, well ... you know ... in the end it was so beautiful that it was worth losing control ... - This makes me laugh, like every time he says something, and in response I kiss him. And kiss him again and again.  
Even then, in the room, where we try to do the suitcases and instead let's roll back on the bed in what is the confirmation of what he said.  
Control me is a utopia, but I think that's exactly what he likes to die for. Don’t be able to control something. Let go himself to what's going on.   
  
  
Two gentle fingers on my lips that folds in a lazy and blissful smile, the fingers then rise to my cheeks and then my eyes closed, my eyebrows, and finally the world slowly finds its light with his eyes that look at me. Eyes full of sweetness and at the same time of malice.  
I keep smiling.  
\- I could get used to... - I murmur, referring to the awakening so sweet. In the end, we stayed all night and after having made love again and talking hugged in bed, we fell asleep without finding a solution.  
Today that solution is still not there, and as I realize it, I obscure myself spontaneously.  
\- What do we do now? - Before ‘the after’ was so far, now is here, it's time.  
And I don’t have the slightest idea what will happen, what I have to try to do. He looks at me with a very simple and always relaxed air, he seems to have all the answers in the world, but he raises a naked shoulder and smiles calmly as he touches my lips with his fingers.  
\- I have no idea. - He says sincerely. I sigh impatient and let go of my back looking at the ceiling, frowning, annoyed. I don’t want to leave this room and return to the real world. I can not.  
Roger stretches close to me, on my side, kissing my gently and protective forehead, his calm rises to me. He has no idea what to do but he seems calm. How does?  
\- Why are you so quiet if you don’t know what to do? - He still raises his shoulder as the free hand slides on my chest to play with my nipples reacting to pleasure.  
\- Because I know you're too spontaneous to go against yourself and I know you will do exactly what you feel in the deep. And it will still be fine. - I look at him in this sentence, tiny eyes, and point in his deep digging into those two autumn mirrors.  
\- You're convinced I'll leave Nole and go back to you! - I'm sure. He still raises his damned shoulder and looks for the room.  
\- Maybe I hope so. -  
\- And if I do that then you'll do it with Stan, right? You control everything and everyone and decide for each one ... you would follow the current? Really? - I wonder incredibly looking at him insistent in his face near mine, finally looks at me again and makes a machiavellian smile.  
\- I just found out that it's good to let go to desires, destiny and things that happen. - I just point my finger against his chest.  
\- But this you made it happen! -  
\- And I no longer intend to force anything, I just want to see what happens to myself. Really. You taught me that letting go of what's going on is beautiful and I want to do it now. - Just now! I shrug my head back on the pillow, he looks at me raises his eyebrows waiting and I shake my head lifting up to steal his mouth. I push him until I turn on his back and climb over him, then I take his hands, I weave our fingers and hold to the sides of his head. Sitting on a horse I watch him for a moment before resuming kissing him as loud as usual. He makes a sorry smile and waits.  
\- You're the usual opportunist. Discharge all responsibility to me. Thank you. You are really caring! - He's giggling and getting hot as he does, so it's even more impossible to think ... not then our direct contact erections would help.  
\- It is the world that has a vision too rosy of me, but I never said I was so good and perfect as everyone says! - With this start rubbing the pelvis on his playing with our members now hard and excited, he loses to say anything else, thoughts mingle and there are only our sighs, lips weaving, I sucking his and then the other orgasm, like a drug we can no longer do without.  
But what do I care about?  
I want to know what I'm going to do out of here? Seriously? Should not I worry about HOW to go out? How to get out of him? If I can, I'm already well.  
Yes ... I'm so sure it's as he says. I can think about how much I want, but I will end up as always to act instinctively without reflecting on a second, as always.  
Perhaps, after all, it was not just for three days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank all those who read and followed the fic, I hope you liked it. I have always been a fan of the rafole and fedrinka, but I always recognized that the fedal exists anyway, because it is evident in short. This year there were only more confirmations. Now I have decided to spend some time, I think it's worthwhile to go further with a follow up because there really is a 'and then'. Anyway, I hope that my translation is not so bad, I tried my best. Still a mega thank you. Kisses Akane


End file.
